Thursday, December 30, 2004

Can't wait for tomorrow, where I'll get to see everybody before I see them once again in drab NJ grey.

Brace yourselves people, the colour is to be robbed from our lives once again. . .

Oh man! I am so so screwed, you know why? I havent done my homework like I was supposed to, cos of computer games. And the worse thing is, I know deep down in my heart that I don't have the desire or will to do anything about it! And the damn physics and econs s tests are next week! Maths to be handed up next week! What am I gonna do?

For once, I feel like the lower class of scgs. I know, I know, sounds cocky. But I look like a brain scientist in sc. So. This lack of academic conviction is so weird to the old-me.

I've really became different this year, and it dosen't really bode well for me. For the A levels that is. But on the other hand, its like a veil has been lifted off my sheltered, isolated eyes. And I've got to thank Manda most of all for that. In your unconscious way and through your own lifestyle, I see life holds so much more than just school and its endless work and tests. There is such a thing as enjoyment and being bold, ponning and stuff, and how from you, I see it isn't wrong, nor should I feel so guilty when I'm slacking off and doing so-called unproductive things. Because that in itself has its own little rewards, you don't learn about things that would push your test score higher, but you learn more about the people around you, that life, if you look carefully, has so many interesting and fun aspects which you never knew existed before (mahjong being one of them =)). And from you, I also realized how much I sacrificed for the scores I get in sc, for all my A1s, becoming a mugger/loner and acquiring my brain scientist look. How I don't really want to study like I used to cos I don't want to go back to myself. And yet I want it all. . .the high scores and this new lifestyle with all its experiences and values/lessons too that it can teach (maybe more worthwhile and lasting than academics which only satisfy the year's test, the now.)

Mel too. You seem quieter in school, but you speak volumes in your blog. And how with your words you have taught me alot, expressing the things sometimes even I find hard to say.

Of cos, this would be incomplete without Mindy right? I've learnt not to judge a book by its cover (when you first came, I perceived you as an intruder into our class, I was wary of you). Heheh, you are by far. . .

. . . .the closest friend I've had. Becos of the things I've said to you. Things I wouldn't even there breathe a word to anyone else. Not my family, no one. And yet with you it just seems so natural, like a casual comment over a cuppa. And you know why I dared to do that? That I trusted? Becos I know you wouldn't judge me. You wouldn't weigh my words with the sum of me that you already knew. No matter how bad it could get, I would still be the same person to you the next day. There was no harm, and I was relieved cos I knew that the knowledge stayed safe with you (I really hope so). I also felt a whole lot lighter after that, the burden's been lifted, I can breathe easier now. And the best thing was this wasn't one-way. You told me about yourself too. And how less and less I saw you as a classmate and fellow ponner, but more a partner in crime. Someone I could identify with. Someone who saw the world a little like I do, went through things that I've been through. Haha, and I won't forget either the biggest lesson you taught me.

See? How is one supposed to love the opposite sex when its your gender that you can relate to the most? Why? I'm not sure I'll understand. . .

I really don't know. Then again, I'm not in a hurry to find out. I'll take things as they come now. That's right! Throw your fastest curve-ball at me cruel world! And I'll make my best swing. . .

Note the date, it has been very long since I last visited here. . .

In fact, it has been very long since I had a life, or noticed the world around me. . . I've been up to my old, addicted self again. So absorbed I can't stop my self, from going back to the thing that is meaningless. All becos I was reminded of it again, and a foolish idea stuck in my head. I thought I would have fun some more, before this holiday ends.

Yep. I did it again. I wasted my life on computer games. Computer games. You must be thinking wah something worse right? Well, its as bad as it gets. Yesterday, I woke up at 8am and played till 10.30pm. Only stopping to eat and I didn't bathe throughout. Yeah, its that uncontrollable. Sometimes it can prolong for days. The only time I was ever conscious about myself, or realize time's passage around me was when I finally stopped to sleep. That's how bad this addiction can be. Today was almost the same case, 10am to 6pm. But I did the right thing afters, I pulled the plug on the game, I deleted it.

By the way, if you're curious, the games is Planescape: Torment, a rather old RPG and only RPGs can get me so immersed. Ian, its real fun, you should check it out. Either way, I look forward to seeing daylight once more. . .

Welcome back to reality =)

Monday, December 27, 2004

Some things I wish to do/get before this holiday is over . . .

Let's start with the nasty.

1. Attempt abit more of maths holiday homework
2. Read most of the 5 chapters of the Methodology of Economics by Mark Blaug
3. Look at physics abit? (Just to console myself that I at least "touched" it)
4. Get fitter to burn off the 1+ kg of roast beef I must finish on my own cos nobody else wants to eat. They have all turned vegan. (Today while running the last stretch, tried to cheerlead myself with canoe style encouragement, and it really works!)
5. Stop being self-centred and think for myseslf only (This is going to take alot to change)

Now the things I really want. =)

1. Rainbow Inlay (triangle) Sterling Silver Stud Earrings
2. Lambda Silver Stud Earrings
3. To watch Ocean's 12 and Meet the Fockers
4. Following ying's advice, catch the post-christmas sale and stock up the wardrobe (I need more bottoms, got too few of them, and if possible, a New York Yankees cap like Dav's)
5. Grand theft auto: San Andreas! Oh my god, if anybody buys the original for me I will LOVE them too pieces *hint hint!*
6. The Curious Incident of The Dog in the night-time by mark something.
7. But I'm a Cheerleader DVD or VCD
8. A hotter body and a pimple-free face =)
9. To be a better softballer and leader
10. To study in America. . .and become rich accountant (Parents of the smartest girl in sc primary are both accountants and she is very r-i-c-h)

Sunday, December 26, 2004

I'm a big cheapskate. . . . =) Today, went to Keefe's to borrow his $60 econs s paper text book and I photocopied and bind the entire thing into a book at Queensway. And guess how much it cost?

$16.

Sooo cheap. Shall photocopy future econs and other expensive textbooks illegally from now on. And I didn't know that such shops exist. Screw the copyright rule man! Haha, Keefe will flip when he knows. . .but then again, his holier-than-thou, police-like nature will ensure that he will never flout the rule. So at least there's someone who will always buy the original for me to zap at 1/3 the price! ;) MUAHAHAHA!! And I thought econs s was gonna burn a hole in my parents' pocket. Oh! I remembered! There's Sloman and Macpherson econs massive texts to photocopy too! Oooh! I'm saving money dude! Everybody else can go out there and buy the unecessary real thing! I've already decided what to write on my newly created econs text book cover. . ."My Cheap Econs Textbook". Haha!

Just came back from my aunt's house. And I can say, the women there are like those in the Joy Luck Club. Yakking and yakking away about sea salt, vegetarian food, milk being (I quote) the "silent killer". I still remember how my aunt used to cry and wail while beating her chest, begging my mother to go for her womb operation. I even cried when I saw it. But thinking back now, its was quite amusing really, like the Hongknog soaps. This whole afternoon they were at it again. This time arguing and threatening my mom with curses to do some buddhist blessing (although they do so with good intentions), and how my exasperated uncle chastised the women to "release" my mother. She already said "wo si dou bu yao!", which only made the two sisters angrier. Haha, funny man, watching 3 midget aiyis arguing amongst themselves, and gossiping (upon parting, one aiyi said we continue our 'episode 3' of gossip on chinese new year).

Then there are my male cousins. The small one's irresistably cute and chubby. He was just shaved bald so he looks like a monk now. When his daddy whacked him with a rolled-up newspaper on the head, he would clutch the scalp with his tiny maggot-like fingers and squint! Haha, sooo cute I could pinch his cheeks. I wonder what would happen if I put him with manda's amos together. . . My big 22 year-old cousin's also damn funny. I love to make fun of his pronounciation in the haughty scgs manner, and my nick name for him is "mocha king" (mocha as in literally mo-cha, cha pronounced just like how you say tea in chinese) cos that was how he ordered his latte in M'sia. Tonight, I taught him how to pronounce "bow down" cos he says it more like "boe down". Haha, and I laughed so hard and evil he threatened to whack me! Hehee. . . One day I'll correct his pronounciation of "pleasant". Right now he says it as "plee-sant". HAHAHAHA! Lol! They're so hilarious! (today, the cute small monk got punched repeatedly in the fleshy bicep by the most articulate eldest brother, 26 years old, for saying "character" with the "cha" pronounced like tea in chinese. He also pronounced "attacked" as att-tack-ked. Hehe, so cute)

This morning, my mom had to sneak our christmas leftovers of home-made roast beef, mashed potatoes and mushroom sauce in clandestine conditions to the Mocha King cos he was non-vegan in a family of vegans. And when I told the small monk that, he covered his ears with his palms and squirmed jealously saying, "Don't tell me please. . ." while Mocha King rubbed it in, laughing and saying mummy won't let you eat. Yeah, my cousin's quite naughty and rebellious. He once bought the two pious vegan Buddhist younger brothers to his friend's party where the 3rd brother got drunk on whisky and the small one ate countless satay sticks.

My cousins, simple and amusing heartlanders they may be, I adore them for the uncomplicated and straightforward, fun relationship that we have. Its innocent and all about plaing online games and getting meat when the parents are not watching like hawks. Sigh, it really takes me away from my bigger worries. Sometimes, I feel like relatives such as these cousins of mine are really a joy, cos what they offer to you in terms of a relationship is one that is straightforward, comfortable and simplistic. Its so much less taxing and confusing then relationships formed in school. No politics, or cautious thinking done on your part before you say something wrong. You don't have to calculate. You don't have to analyse. What we say is what we mean. But in school, things can be two-faced, or said just for show. We don't pretend with each other. But then again, its my school-mates that I trust most with the real me. Maybe that makes our relationships so much more complicated. When we show people our true selves, all of a sudden, things are not the same anymore. We've gone deeper, further, and the harder we fall when trust is broken. All is safe and pleasant with my cousins, cos I've never invested anything important, nothing's at risk.

Why issit, the people closest to me in blood are not the closest to me in mind? My mom always told me, "friends will come and go but your family is forever."

Maybe I should change.

One day I'll find myself without really good friends to talk to, then I'll realize how alone in this world I am by hiding from my family.

Saturday, December 25, 2004

Today's Lifestyle newspaper, Page 6, Festive Fiction. Two out of the four stories featured are written by scgs girls.

'nuff said.

Friday, December 24, 2004

Whew! I actually felt tired gift- wrapping today! And to imagine that this is hands-down the slackest CIP in the world! We just wrapped and wrapped non-stop man! Gosh, there were so many things that people bought and the tin can was just overflowing with cash cash cash, all, mostly, dollar notes! $_$ Suh-weet. Interestingly, I think I'll miss this CIP. Its a really novel way to spend your time. My fingers are nimbler now. I peel scotch-tape with a flourish. And I esemble wrapping paper "shopping bags" like magic. I can also wrap toasters, blenders and large items under 15 minutes. Plus I can wrap virtually anything you throw at me. I know the art of decoration. I've made a few temporary friends. Oh, and my butt's much flatter now for sitting too long. Gross.

The crescent pitcher and shortstop has made it to Nj. And so did 3 other crescent softballers. If they all join softball, we finally have something. They can take over the entire infield, please do. I don't mind playing outfield.

5 experienced softballers. I couldn't have asked for more. I gotta whip the current team up in shape (and myself as well) before we see the new j1s cos we are the seniors, and if they see the crappy state of us, they may quit. And it'll be all over.

All over.

I've decided I'll start jogging regularly the rest of this hols, to be fitter. . and to forget.

Grrr. . . I don't know whether to hate, cry, forget, scream or whatever.

GET OUT OF MY MIND!!!!

I watched Phantom of the Opera. Its a show meant to be watched on the big screen, then you can really lap up all the lavish sets and rich music. Sigh. . .the show was really good but its also real sad at the same time, I even cried at its end. You really feel pity for the phantom man. Anyway, haha, me and my sis caught the first show at 10.30am in the morning and there were like only 6 ppl in the cinema? Mmm, talk about being early birds!

Oh yeah, Les Choristes the french movie is sweet sweet sweet! Its so lovely, and so nostalgic. Anyone worth their salt should at least watch abit of world cinema instead of being fed upon brainless hollywood popcorn cheaps. You should also watch 8 women and Babette's Feast. Please people, learn to try the alternatives, its nicer and purer sometimes. Oh, and I still haven't watch Ocean's 12. . .Sigh. . . wanna watch it. But not quite in the mood to ask and watch it with the mahjong kakis. . . I'm tired of asking. . . Don't want to try no more. I get it now Ian, why you gave up asking Nuria out. There's no point if the other party dosen't care to hang out with you. What's the point of trying? In the hopes that you will one day be rewarded by hardwork? When they see your sincerity and relentless pursuit?

Bullshit.

Even when its just for friendly fun, just to catch up? I don't feel like bothering anymore. I'll cease to ask. Cos if its initiated by me, it'll always be a clear-as-day N-O. Yep, I'll see what you'll do. Maybe you'd be in a better mood (please note deliberate sarcasm here) to consider hanging out with me, when you flip through your address book of a thousand friends and no one else is free at the moment. And there's only me. So you do it for appearance's sake. Manda's right again, we cannot force. So I'll heed this advice and will keep silent from now on. Cos all these while it seems like I'm trying my friendship best to keep in touch but you never do it on your own, unless its a response to me. Okay then, I accept it. I'll back down, I won't care no more. . . . I'm taking your cue, I'll act the way you do to me.



You never stood a chance in the first place. They won't let you through. Just like how I'll never be tall enough to ride the go-karts at Escape Themepark. I'll never get to experience it or even try.

Haha. The world is laughing. . . not with but at you.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Accountancy. . The get-rich-quick scheme.

Today, had a long talk about career with my mother. And you know what? I think accountancy might be my calling. Firstly, you graduate in 3 years instead of the usual 4. Therefore you do not memorize as much as doctors or architects who study for 4 years. Its more "hands-on" and practical exercises, I think. Plus, a typical graduate earns $2000 upon graduation. But an accountant can double/triple his/her pay in 4 years compared to others who may only earn $1000 more. You can then get a license, start your own accountancy company, hire slaves fresh from university to do the maths for you, while you entertain to pull in the clients. Sounds cushy huh? Besides, accounting is a flexible career, every firm, no matter in what economic situation needs an accountant. So you'll never run out of work and you can practically work for any sort of firm, or choose to be your own boss. On top of that, its similar to econs. So should be alright for me right? The maths I would have to work it through.

But the catch is. . . now. Currently. I'm in a rut here. Before I can get started, I must qualify for the course in university first. And from what I know, accounting is not an easy thing to get in cos its very popular. This makes it harder if I'm trying to get in an overseas university. That means I must study hard! NOW! I feel encouraged to take up pen and paper now and attack away at maths "vacation package" (haha, they make it sound so idyllic and tropical). But I know the flesh will turn flaccid and the mind to dust, the moment the reality of work sinks in when I sit down proper to begin. . .

Hmm. . .

Anyway, am looking forward to slacking outside tomorrow and gift-wrapping on friday (its becoming addictive! Cut, fold, tape! Repeat! Cut, fold, tape! Bring on the oblong-shaped weirdo gifts!)

Gift wrapping at IMM yesterday with Ian was interesting, considering the weird gifts I had to wrap, including the largest present ever, some huge osim cardboard box thing that we had to sprawl on the floor and wrap next to the lift. Also, wrapped some plastic golf bag toy, complete with fake golf clubs and people also donated like 8-9 popular vouchers and lotsa other stuff? (one guy even donated a vertikal backpack, now that is NOT cheap) Wow. That was surprising, people actually had a heart. But I was really into the christmas spirit of giving when we wrapped our last (big) present just as we had already closed down the booth. The guy was apologising profusely about making us stay back, but I felt good doing a so-called good deed cos technically I wasn't being awarded CIP hours for this last assignment. Technically I could just abandon him and run the hell out of there. But I did it anyway, and I enjoyed it.

Yay! Someone's back! Somehow, its quite anti-climax though, cos it'll just be like before. . . No meeting. . .

shakedown 1979, cool kids never have the time
on a live wire right up off the street
you and i should meet. . .

--excerpt from "1979" lyrics by The Smashing Pumpkins

Monday, December 20, 2004

Did CIP Yesterday at Bukit Panjang Plaza. Must say it was quite productive, I was inspired by the queen to send christmas greetings. That and I was bored and wanted an excuse to fiddle with the wrapping paper and try out my new skills in making "small shopping bags". No prizes for guessing whose "shopping bag" I slogged hardest over! It took up alot of my time and I abandoned ying once to run to Popular for more tools for the job. Yep, it was actually fun, I spent my whole day wrapping and wrapping people's presents and mine. Ying kept saying I was biased and gave me the -_- look when she sees the more elaboraate shopping bag, but hey! I helped you with your gp the whole day man! Haha!



"Isn't hate merely the result of wounded love?"

--taken from The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan



How true. . .

Saturday, December 18, 2004

GRRRROOOWWWWLLLLL. . .

I reallly reallly hate it when I cannot get what I want!!!! Its so bloody freaking maddening when I know other people are having and enjoying the things I want and which is so important to me for my identity! Freak man! Was browsing through ebay and it struck me that "But I'm a cheerleader" lesbian comedy can be bought and watched. That means if I really want it I can actually get it! Its all up to me! But then, of cos. . . I cannot buy it through myself it has to be someone else, and worse, I can't keep it in my house! I probably will fork out like $20 to watch it once only! And I not really sure if its gonna be satisfying cos all gay shows are relatively unknown! But I want to watch it so bloody badly!!!

Then there are those pretty ear studs! Arghgh!! I want them!! You can't find these in S'pore man! So difficult to find, BUT SO EXPENSIVE THROUGH EBAY!! Maybe tomorrow I'll trudge down to Far East to look for them. . .but high chance of disappointment. . .

ARGHHH!!! I want to watch my show! NOW!

Friday, December 17, 2004

SCGS. . .

* I can hear people groaning in tedium already, I spy Mindy rolling her eyeballs at me. . . again =) *

My lovely lovely school, I miss thee . . . for the umpteenth time.

A few days ago, I stumbled upon this while browsing through the class blog. http://imleni.blogspot.com/2004/08/you-are-fated-to-read-this-if-you.html And it made me stop and ponder, what is it about scgs that I love so much? What's my impression of sc? Why do I feel such fierce loyalty to it that everytime I see an scgs girl, no matter how ugly ;), my heart swells with pride and relief that she is in good hands? Is it because of that stark contrast that is NJ? How we were so much more priviledged back then compared to now? When sometimes in NJ it feels as though no one except some wonderful few (like Ms Ng), actually gives a shit about you? Is it the facilties? The people? I think its a whole lot of all these and more. Oh, and I forgot something else . . . branding. The trademark imprint of the school's culture and values on you. There's just something special about our type of branding, and I love the fact that we have such a strong english culture. Its our strength and allure I think.

You know, I've always thought of scgs as an island out at sea. We are so different and detached from the rest of the Singaporean heartland. Like a piece of anglo-saxon haven in a chinese/singlish a.k.a crude and boorish den. I likened us to those of british aristocrats. That's right. . .aristocrats (for lack of a better word), who are above the bougeoisie. We're so-called "upper class". I know, I sound very arrogant and haughty here. Scgs girls also have a reputation for being snobbish. That's because we have this ideal that scgs is the only right way to go. Everything else is muck. If you've gone through sc, you would most probably come out thinking the same way, our brainwashing is complete and absolute, and what's more, its willing (okay, maaybeee, its only me but pardon moi, I've been there for 10 years, you can't fanthom what effect that has on you. To live and breathe only ONE single way of education).

A nanyang girl once told me that she imagined scgs girls as something like english tai-tais, that we sit alfresco in floral dresses, sipping earl grey tea and making small talk. She's not that far from the truth I think. Its true, many sc girls are rich, and the rich few are prominent, making it seem like the whole of scgs comprises of rich girls, but that is really only a minority. The majority are middle class. And prettiness? That's rather true in comparison to NJ. The first time I came back to scgs from NJ was to collect 'o' level results. Walking through the school, I was just stunned and mildly awed by the blatant and careless display of beauty everywhere, as though it was a perfectly natural and a god-given right for sc girls to be stunning. It felt like a beauty pageant, so unlike the blandness in NJ. Maybe it was the uniform, we are the only sec school that tailor-makes uniforms, that means everybody's uniform suits everybody's body shape. It is actually flattering. Looking back now, I'm amused by the thought about how ignorant these sc girls are, about what they're in for, when they come to NJ, where they certainly would cry their hearts out at the ordinary-ness of everyone else. Yep, We are rich. And pretty. As the rumours say. Please step into my world and you will see what I've been used to all these years. Not surprisingly, I had endless crushes in there.

Our english. The much revered and envied scgs brand of english. This is one of the most important traits of sc that I'm most proud of. Its one of the main concepts of our branding. Its in our (blue) blood. They drill you like mad over there. And its starts right away in P1. Do you know what english teachers encourage their bright-eyed and impressionable pupils to do after they finish the compulsory class work? They dangle in front of you, more optional work. There is a stack of papers at the teacher's desk, which is half-filled with writing lines and a large box. Its purpose? Write any story you like and draw a picture in the box, then pass it to teacher for marking. Wicked marketing scheme. The box attracted me, I like to draw and colour. So do many young kids. But first, I had to write an essay. . .ahhh. . . they make you practice your english on your own doing. I used to write essays everyday till the bell rung, and teacher always smiled sagely at me when I hand up an essay, eyes sparkling in all earnesty. . .Everybody converses in English. Teachers. Students. If you speak in chinese, you are an alien. You will be chastised, scolded, "tsk-ed" by your well-meaning and more knowledgeable class-mates. The repercussions are swift and frantic. That is how 'militant' we are. How strong and deep in our belief that you MUST speak good english. Singlish is tolerated, but only barely. Most of us listen exclusively to english music. Chinese music? Never heard before. Those who listen to and speak chinese are usually from lousier classes. The smart-ass top classes are almost english only. That's how social (and even academic) hierarchy in sc is decided partly, by our first language. We live on a different planet.

In secondary school, they go a step further. In Sec4, english teachers make you write ALOT of essays. No not narrative, that has been almost phased out completely. We write argumentative essays, the type required in JC GP. And we practice and practice till it becomes natural (well at least to me). All my life in sc, the papers I most look forward to getting back is english and literature. Why? Because english is the triumph card of scgs, it seemss natural for me to think that being good at it was a status symbol. That you are the best of the best english students. Fairly good in english in scgs is, in real world terms, phenomenal compared to the rest of the world. Our lit teachers have been known to be super-strict markers (or so I heard, can't really compare). Oh, speaking about lit, do you know that lit is compulsory in scgs? Even PRC scholars must take it. Students from other schools might just die from such a ruling. But to us, its a way of life. You accept it. This is the sc way. Our principal knows what she's doing.

When it comes to compliments, one that really fills me with pride and a sense of accomplishment is when people say my english is good. Cos that would mean I'd have upheld the school name. I am an scgs girl then by definition. I come as advertised. It makes me just so proud of my heritage. Inversely, I feel some gloating satisfaction too when my chinese sucks, cos that would mean my english has not been tainted and I stayed true to my roots. Cos of english, we are famous for our lit as well. Do you know that the Hwa Chong and RJC girls who won this really prestigious British top prizes for poetry are the only asians in the category to do so? Even more astounding, both are from s-c-g-s. And I even know one of them, Dawn. They were on newspapers, 'prime news' in fact.

Have your school ever had such accomplishments? Does your school teach and emphasize english the way ours do? I see CHIJ, and their many divisions. It kinda reminds me of christianity and its many denominations. In fact, sc strikes me as mormon-ish. We are so closely knit and we only think that our way is right and everybody should follow us. The chinese schools? Let's not even go there. Nanyang? MGS? RGS? Don't know much about them to form a clear impression. Maybe you can't feel the emotions I feel, the pride and camaderie I silently share with scgs girls. Even anonymous ones cos I know we are a cut above the rest. Something special, this is our niche, this is our domain. Only we can do it the best. I see all of you there, rolling your eyes and thinking me nuts, thinking that I'm over-exaggerating. Maybe I am, but I don't see any fire in you that you have for your old schools. Nothing to compare with my passion. That's testament enough that your connection is not as strong. Your impression is not as deep as mine. You'd never know unless you were me, a true-blue scgs girl. Its okay if you think me boastful and full of air, but to me, scgs is the be all and end all when it comes to shaping your person and for fine, premium education. Go ahead, laugh, ignore, but you won't shake my belief. I LOVE MY SCHOOL! And I'm proud of it. Its as simple as that. And I so wish I could share my joy with the rest of the world, but they won't understand. . .

SCGS. . Leave this phenomenal world and step into the sublime. . .

We are a force to be reckoned with.

Watch out.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Wow, finally back from vegetarian boot camp. For the past 2 days, I was in Kota Tinggi with my mom's sister family, which is entirely made up of boys and none my age. And I went on vacation with them, alone. Yep. Just me, no parents, no siblings. It was fine at first. We were at this "back to nature" resort with no TV or computer and it was quite desserted cos weekday (duh) and its not that popular. At times, it felt like we were the only guests there. We went walking around the "wilderness" area, saw fireflies but let's get to the interesting part shall we? The . . .

Leeches.

Ahuh, you saw right. There were leeches there. We went on this guided nature walk and we had to walk through thick forest and cross small streams. At times, the "path" was so overgrown that we actually had to bushwhack our way through. And here's a myth-buster, leeches don't attack you in the water. At least not for the type we met with. In fact, they were crawling all over the place on the forest floor, like worms. Anyway, after walking for some time, I looked down at my foot and saw something on it. On closer look, it was actually moving! Eeeks! Leeches! Help! They're actually smaller than you think. Initially they look like remnants of bee-hoon, but when they suck enough blood from you they swell to like 10-15 times their size. I didn't dare touch them at first cos I was squeamish, but after that, I just couldn't take it anymore and ripped them off myself. Throughout the entire ordeal/nature walk there were countless leeches all over my exposed, sandled feet, and we all had to stop once in a while to pluck them off our legs and everything. My aunt even found one on her chest, don't even ask me how it got there (must've dropped off a tree). The worst bite I had was one of the earliest when I found a fairly large leech on my foot and after it was disposed of, there was like bright red, fresh blood coming out of my wound. And it kept bleeding the entire walk, all down my foot. Interestingly, it didn't hurt. Its probably the anasthetic chemical in the leech saliva blah blah, and the thing about leeches is that it causes your blood to run free for awhile without clotting, before it starts clotting up very quickly (its not the same as dried blood). Weird. Anyway, my foot is pokka-dotted with red spots now and I must say after this, I ain't afraid of leeches anymore. I'll even do it if you dared me to let a leech suck my blood. Its quite interesting to watch it grow. . .

Later that day, for my last meal in Malaysia, we went to this vegan restaurant that I had been to for like 3-4 times already. I had been looking forward to eating the whole day cos we skipped lunch but the moment I spied the restaurant, all desire to eat evaporated. In fact, I started to feel nauseas. For the past few days I had been eating nothing but vegie after vegie, rice, rice, rice. I was on carbo overload and protein deficiency. I can't stomache another piece of green. . .eugh! In the restaurant, the mouth threatened to vomit upon sight of tea being poured into glasses and squeaky clean menus suggestive of squeaky clean food (ie, no salt, sugar, oil or deep-frying). Suffering under the tyrannical yoke of my well-meaning but deciding-the-menu, vegan queen aunt, all hope seemed lost when she said this while poring over names with cai in every description.

"Bu yao zai liao lah hor?"

Huh?

"She mo shi zai liao?"

"It means fake vegetarian meat."

Great. Turning to my non-vegan (and therefore sane) aunt next to me, I said in despair, " I don't even have the luxury of fake meat." At this she half-smiled and giggled in that jolly auntie sort of way. Mind you, I've been meatless for what feels like days already. I started to imagine the night's "delicacies". . .steamed vegies, boiled vegies, poached vegies, vegie soup, vegie noodles, pickled vegies, claypot vegies, boiled vegies, dark green leafy vegies, mixed vegies, boiled vegies, vegie rice, mixed vegies, raw vegie salad, cold appetizer vegies, boiled vegies ( note emphasis on boiled here). But actually, reality was not as bad as nightmare. I just didn't eat the rice cos it was plain and I'm sick of rice already. One thing's for sure, if I ever have to go and eat there the next time I visit JB, I'd much rather stay in Singapore!

P.S. Here's a piece of advice: If you ever encounter one of those really large (size of your finger), purplish leeches. DO NOT pry them off your body! You'll aggravate your wound this way. Instead, burn them off with a lighter so it'll retract its teeth and drop off willingly. Never pull it out just like that or else lots of blood will come out. And by alot, I mean gushing. . .

Monday, December 13, 2004

Random pieces of Trivia:

1. Mr Teh, scgs bio teacher said one day to my sis' class, "You know sometimes you vomit a little into your mouth?"

"That's called bile."

Only such neurotic and quirky things happen in scgs.

2. At gift wrapping CIP at funan, me and ying were fishing through cut-out bits of wrapping paper in a plastic bag. I took out a heart-shaped one and wrote '-------- love me', then showed it to ying.

"You're really into her ah?" Hehe. . .I don't really know now. Was just a poignant memory I had, that made me write it down.

3. I worry that I worry too much.

4. Our softball coach once wore this cool shirt to training. It has the chinese characters "meinu" written in big, bold red across it. Nice.

5. My softball IP junior plays Splinter Cell. My goodness. . . There are girl gamers out there in the world!

6. I saw an irritant who constantly avoids me for the stupidest and most misguided of reasons Hermama, in the bus with an RV NJ girl. Of cos, I did not say hi. I couldn't care less. . . I don't even like you. Take a look at this blog template and you'll know.

7. In the train near Jurong East. I strolled in and sat down in the sole empty seat on the MRT. 3 seconds later, I registered that I was sitting right next to. . . "fugly". What could he be doing here?

8. I just realized that Manda F00 of scgs studied in America and is the same age as me (!). And that she studied the whole of JC econs while working out in the gym (!!!)

9. Today, Estelle did not want to KAP with us cos she felt guilty that she always never ate the lunch her grandma cooked for her cos she always eats out. Therefore, she must go home and eat. So I told her, to grab her lunch food and smash it in the bitch's face, so she won't ever cook lunch unneccesarily for Estelle. Problem solved. Estelle called me bad, evil blah. I couldn't stop laughing at myself. As she parted, I offered more suggestions, like kicking her grandma in the leg to break it. Or even better, if she sits in a wheelchair, push her down a hill. All the while laughing like a maniac, eyes closed and banging my hands against the benches. I have not laughed this way for so long.

I'm nuts.

10. I can do this weird thingy with my shoulder and so far, I haven't seen anyone who can copy me.

Yo! Am back! Just got semi-great news that I might be going for some mini-M'sia holiday tomorrow, to Kota-Tinggi (not sure how you spell it)! But it would mean postponing my sis' birthday celebration. Sigh. . . . We got an Elle sport bag for her b'dae, with her consent. And we also got a Tangs voucher in the process, $15 for spending $100 in a single receipt. Yay!

Okay, I'm feeling a bloggy mood now. Just had a long nice nap, but was so damn irritated by the unnaturally strong wind today blowing through the room. It kept blowing my bloody hair all over my face and tried to blow away my blankie so that it could freeze me with its icy caress *brrr*. In the end, I just shut the door close. No more wind. But no mood to sleep already. Right now, its blowing my hair across my face again as I type this. Its coming through the window. I shall close door now.

There.

I've done it.

Anyway, let's talk about what I've learned about Delifrance. At my gift-wrapping booth, we were on the second level and situated next to the glass panel, overlooking the first storey. Right beneath us was a small Delifrance cafe chucked in the middle of the area. From my perch, I could see into the service and kitchen areas of Delifrance, almost like a top-down view of the whole cafe. Nothing was hidden from my roving eye. Everything was exposed. I got to see first-hand how Delifrance works. And after seeing it? I'm not so sure its that worth it after all. Ying says its cheap food with prices jacked up (she and I was studying Delifrance with a strange intensity fueled by boredom and curiousity). And to think that my dream part-time job was to work at Delifrance in the hopes that I can learn how to make its wonderful pastries (you'll see later there's no such luck, but still if you are a Delifrance employee, you are paid the minimum wage of $3 an hour and you can have all your meals there. You may also bring back leftovers on Saturdays). Nothing is as it seems. . .let's get started on how Delifrance cheats its customers hmm?

Well, to start it off. They leave milk cartons on the counter, so that its in an easy position to just reach, grab and use. Nevermind refrigerating it. Why waste time when you use it so often? Oh, do you know what they use it for? To make the foam on top of capppaucino/coffee and hot chocolate drinks. They pour some (room temperature) milk into a stainless steel container and beat it at high speed like you do to eggs, to create body and let air in, resulting in the white layer of foam you see on top of drinks. And I used to think that foam was created by mixing the drink teh-tarik style. Its actually all 'whipped' milk. That's not so bad, really. Then ying remarked to me that their over-priced hot chocolate was just a cup of chocolate powder, some cinnamon powder and that foam, plus some mystery brown liquid that came out of a dispenser. Watching them actually make it drove in the point of how cheap the ingredients actually are. I could make my own at home at the fraction of what I pay for it at Delifrance. We always know that the food we buy, the ingredients inside is actually dirt-cheap, especially for food items that do not require finesse or skill to produce, but we still buy it anyway. Cos we like to think we are actually eating something premium. Yeaahh righttt. . .We're such suckers man.

Orange juice. 100% freshly squeezed orange juice. When I see such signs, somehow they just work devilishly on my pysche and a part of me wants to believe I'm really buying freshly squeezed orange juice. But does it make economic sense to go and squeeze oranges everytime a customer orders it? Unless you have the special juicer, its a waste of manpower. Delifrance demonstrates this very nicely when the service boy whipped out a detergent container filled with "freshly squeezed" orange juice and proceeded to fill a glass with it. Ying says she'll never buy Delifrance orange juice again. I know, this is all pretty duh stuff, but it just really hits home when you see it being done right before your eyes.

Oh, you know the ubiquitous counter for sandwiches where they have all sorts of fillings and vegies for you to choose and add into your choice of bread? this is how they standardise it. Open bread, stuff in smattering of lettuce, place two sliced tomatoes in it. Scoop up mystery pulpy filling that are supposedly different but looks the same colour to me (cream colour). One dollop on the bread, two and three more. Close bread, place on plate and present it grinning to customer. I'm interested about the filling part, Ying says they all come from cans. Therefore its real cheapskate cos the vegies are so cheap and so is the bread, and all you need is to pop open a can to get the same kind of filling. We could make our own sandwiches at home. This goes to show, that most sandwiches sold outside are a total rip-off cos the ingredients are cheap and is actually widely available, ready-made, in supermarkets. The only worthwhile ones are those that come with "cooked" items like roasted turkey/duck/beef or teriyaki chicken or some weird sauces. That's not as easy to make in your own kitchen.

Oh, and the coveted and name-brand Delifrance pastries are NOT made on the premises. Usually the kitchen was behind doors and I thought chefs were inside, churning out piping hot goodie after goodie of glorified flour. Not rreaally. . . apparently they are made at one location and dispatched all over the island in trays, ready to pop in the oven. I guess this is good too, cos its specialisation and there's quality control this way. But this also means I'll learn NONE of Delifrance's pastry secrets if I work there (unless of cos, I work in its pastry factory). But I did see some "preparation" in action. At the back of the kitchen I saw the manager prep some hot dog thingy (Delifrance sells hot dog rolls? I never knew that!). On the baking tray lay square pieces of cut-out dough and the guy placed hot dogs in its center and proceeded to roll up the dough (something like folding tissue around a pencil, you get the idea. .), then he make some lines on the dough with a baking tool and presto! Its done and goes in the oven. Apparently, other pastries do not need such hassle, I saw ready-to-go pies, croissants and what-have-you.



Delifrance soup is damn cheapskate. At least where the garlic bread is concerned. After scooping out the yellow slop into a bowl, they give you this measly thin and small piece of garlic bread (I saw them spread the garlic butter on halved baguettes, pop in the oven, and divide into miniscule pieces to be served later on), which is so not worth your money. I also saw what the employees chose to eat for their meals. One guy ate a baked potato, with chilli sauce somemore (goes to show the finished product on its own ain't tasty enough to be eaten naked, it has to be smothered with hot sauce). Another one chose to drink the yellow soup previously mentioned. . .I'm like, why eat that? Get yourself a sandwich or a pastry!

After keenly scrutinising for about an hour (and ignoring my job at that), I've concluded that Delifrance is only worth it for what its famous for--the pastries. Don't buy anything else. Especially not the gimicky new food items they have. . .

Sunday, December 12, 2004

The Night Trek ~taadaa!~

*hold your breath and prepare for a long read. . . *

Participants: Me, Shujun, Richard, Ian, Wai Teng. That's right, only 5 people.

We met at Bedok Mrt, then took bus to Katong Laksa, where we absolutely pigged out on the delicious noodles (I love hum man!) and it was really worth it. Then we went to east coast park and ate (actually only me) at Komala (Indian fast food) where I had a huge thosai and we played cards while waiting for Wai Teng to arrive. We purposely sat at some dark alfresco corner so as not to be chased off by the staff for conducting "illegal" gambling activities. Later we went to borrow bikes and cycled to a nearby HDB void deck and played more cards there while waiting for the aforementioned participant. It rained. A cat strolled around us. Shujun was paranoid about strangers. Even more worried when I started wandering off. Ate home-made sandwiches and fruits. Slacked. Yawned. We were getting tired before it even started. Mind you, it was already 11 plus and I had 4-hour softball in the morning and my body was aching already.

When Wai Teng came, we finally set off! YAY! It was so fun cycling! At the start, everthing's fresh and new. You see the mundane roads and surroundings with a new perspective, from the top of a bike and everything zooms past and sidewalks becomes a blur, traffic lights as frequent as hiccups at some places. With so much renewed energy, we burned our tires zooming through the east coast area till we were back at East Coast Park and there, we cycled till the end of the park. When we reached the main road, we decided to be more adventurous and ventured out into the open roads, but cycling on the pavements instead cos its safer. First off, we went to Kallang riverside, the area with the cool, snazzy, modernist bridge across it. I'm not sure where exactly but the bridge looks ethereal all lit up in the night. And there were so few cars, so few people. . .At times it just felt like we were the only ones around. All was quiet and peaceful. I've never been out this late before. . . We sat ourselves down near the Kallang indoor stadium and ate our snacks while resting at this christmas deco area with the requisite christmas tree, a choo-choo train filled with presents and a candycane house, Hansel-and-Gretel style. There were dwarfs in santa claus clothes all around and the atmosphere was cozy, with lights lit up all around the mini-amphitheatre where we were.

Time check--1 plus already. We started cycling at 12 plus. Our next destination was the Esplanade and so we went our way cycling for a long while till we were closer to the city area and we started taking pics like mad along the way, at landmarks to record out travels (cos as they say, "Its not the destination that matters, but how you get there.") I can't describe all the types of road/pavement/temporary path/wooden walkway/strip of concrete/metal walkway that we traversed, but it was varied and interesting. When you cycle, your eyes are on the path beyond and I was sometimes hypnotised by the blur of ground flowing beneath me as I sped along. The wind in your face. . .the cool sometimes frigid night air. . . .I never sweated throughout the entire trip, and for a sweaty person like me, that's a feat in itself.

The Esplanade/Suntec area presented many photo-taking opportunities and as more photos were taken, we got more creative with the style of direction. Everything had to present an image of fun and interest to the slobs who never came along and forego our painstakingly orchestrated night outing (we were gonna post pics on the class blog). I'm so so glad I went, cos this experience is one-of-a-kind and I'll probably never do something like this again I've also realized how well Richard knew his way around Singapore, leading us to destinations, while the navigation klutz like me just sped around, wanting to know whether we could just heck it at the red lights and jay-cycle across. I should've known huh? When I was 8 plus years. My father plomped me down at the front seat (!) of the car and inducted me navigator for the trip in Malacca City.

I fell asleep in 15 minutes. Hmm. . . no surprises here.

After Esplanade, it was Orchard! How can you travel/have a tour around S'pore and not go to Orchard right? So we made the tourist pilgrimage to Singapore's beloved shopping mecca, and boy, the place so familiar in the day to us is soo surreal at night. Bright lights along the road. Bare traffic. Malls still lit up but all shuttered and closed for the day. The streets perpetually empty save for ah-guas (very authentically thai), some late night bikers/skate boarders and losers who loitered around at night, without a care in the world about the day tomorrow. Just staying awake, living for the moment. . just like us. Outside Taka, me and Richard found the Xbox promotion tent still active and the sample game consoles were still switched on. We played 1-vs-1 Halo for awhile but we ran out of bullets trying to frag each other. The rest just hung around, at 7-11, resting and feeding, drinking lotsa water. Then after we left, we made our super long way back to East Coast Park, to catch the sunset.

At the park, the moment we cycled on proper park route, me and Richard started having mini races. Sprinting on our bikes for around 100m. Or for 30 secs. Actually, more like how long I could last before I ran out of breathe and energy to continue and gasped at Richard to stop! stop! Gosh, and I thought cycling was easy exercise. Sprinting with a bike is damnably tiring, maybe more than running is. Cos when you stand up and cycle, you have to go against the resistance of the pedal, making it extra hard. And for the whole run, its just leg power all the way. By 5 secs, my mouth was wide open and gasping for air, I was literally panting like a dog. Yeah man, I was acting bitchy. Haha, okay, very lame. At the end, my thighs were ready to burst and its leg tiredness in a way you'd never experience before.

Why did I even race, when we had cycled for so long (it was 5.15am already)? Cos I thought it was the end once we reached east coast. But nooo. . . . there was more to come! Richard had this bright idea that we should catch the sunrise at this nice jetty so we followed him. And my goodness, the trip was soooo long. it felt like forever, as though east coasst park was never-ending. When we finally reached there, it was only near the end of east coast. That's how long it is. We had finally reached the end of our tether, we were c-o-m-p-l-e-t-e-l-y exhausted. At the end of the jetty, we just sat down speechless. We did get up soon later, to look at the fishes (saw jellyfish, small tiny schools of black fish and a whole hoard of silvery fishes whose bodies glinted out of the water now and then as they swam and they never seem to stop coming man. . That explained the whole troop of fishing enthusiats at the jetty with waiting lines in the water. I think that fish is used in Nasi Lemak). The sunrise came and it was sadly disappointing. No grand displays of splashy autumn colours here, just a gradual lightening of the sky. We also took photos and then we left on our way back to the main east coast park area to wait till 9am when the shop opens and we can return the bikes.

It was 7 plus am already, we sat at this performance amphitheatre eating the leftover snacks and the rest started playing cards. I was too burnt out to do anything. I was even barely talking. After a while, I stopped talking completely altogether cos I had no energy left to do anything, being overly enthusiastic in the cycling part of the outing. So I slept on the ground, head on Richard's bag, falling asleep in a super-quick time at that. When 9am creeped by, we returned the bikes and scraped having proper breakfast at some hawker area cos we all just wanted to go home and sleep.

Guess what I did when I finally reached home? I bathed, got dressed. . . and left the house to do CIP for the next 9 hours (!) Man, that was so freaking tiring. All I wanted in the whole wide world now was to lie down on a bed! I was asleep on the train on the way back and when I went out again, I was also asleep. When I started my gift wrapping CIP, I fell asleep on the counter right in front of the customers! I couldn't care anymore, nor could I help it anyway, I had not slept for the past 24 hours, nor had I eaten a proper meal yet. . .So yep, lotsa other things happened but I'm too tired to repeat everything here now. Let's just say I found out a lot more about the way Delifrance runs its business orgaization and its cafes. . .

Thursday, December 09, 2004

I worry WAY too much man. How I know? Well, let me chronicle the instances of supreme worry on my part and you'll get the idea.

1. I remembered clearly, agonizing for an entire weekend about whether Tong would remember to search for my Turf club run medal. I slogged and sweated so hard for it, I'd better receive it man. Its just that I forgot to collect it when they announced my name at the podium cos I was busy changing my particulars so that my precious "Ignis" House would get the points instead of "Lignum". I keep getting paranoid that he would forget and say that he lost the medal or something or it was misplaced in the mess of nonsense leftover in turf club. Why did I think this way? Cos instead of just passing me the darn medal he said to look for him on monday. Monday? That's three days away! Why can't you just give it to me now? Its just in that box over there! I can even get it myself! See? The uncomprehendable paranoia. By the way, I doubt I can get a medal for next year, I'm so damn unfit right now. And FAT! Bloody fat! I'VE NEVER BEEN THIS HEAVY BEFORE! Oh my goodness. . .

2. Senior's farewell. I think its the reason for me horrendous complexion flare-up that hasn't died down. Was so suppperrr worried that the senior's won't like it. Agonized over every miniscule detail right up to the point they entered manda's door. And we were just suppose to take care of the presents only! Don't even mention the messy accounts and money distribution/collection afters. I personally spent close to $300 buying all the stuff with my own money before I was refunded. And like the medal, I feared I wasn't going to get my money back although obviously I would get it (just like the medal). After this, I learnt that I must calm down, or I'll burn myself out before next year. Gotta chill.

3. I worry over the lamest things. Like how sometimes I misinterpret how others seem to act towards me and I worry till no end, trying to decipher in my head what their actions mean by trying to place myself in their shoes and try to think like them. But of cos, I always end up thinking the worst-case scenarios and I have apocalyptic scenes of grand, massive, even witty arguements with smart-alecky comebacks thrown in, all conjured stupidly in my brain. And of cos, none of it ever came true. Sometimes, I'd even cry over this imaginary things. Haha, I scare myself witless and uselessly man. . .

4. For the past few weeks, NO, make that, for the past few weeks since I got back GP results. B3...89%. Shit lar, why so high? For sure won't be in the same range. Shit Shit Shit. How now? No more GP together, so i-n-c-r-e-d-i-b-l-y S A D I felt so sad afters. Then I started to worry, about what the other party got. And when I found out, it was like the lights were knocked out of me. I knew it then that there was no hope. THEN i started worrying about how we gonna have the time to be good pals again next year, or will we be too caught up with studies? Now that we ain't gonna be in the same slackest subject class. Sigh, worry worry worry, and I know I won't stop worrying till I get over you. Sigh. . Manda's sorta right, though I really hate to do this. . I need to stay away from you. . .or else the wounds won't heal.

Yep. I worry too much. Oh, I've realized a development. The Swimsuit Illustrated calendars? The ones with big blown up pics of lava melting models on it? I can't peel my eyes off them. I'm becoming an old cheekopek man. I'm acting like those pre-pubescent boys! Shudder

Now I ogle at hot guys and girls. Goodness me. . .

I know this is laggy, but here's what I did on Tuesday for CIP * Crappy Institution of Pain*. Met the misterr punctual as hell Lionel who nagged at me for being late for four minutes according to his watch (it was 1 minute late on mine. . .for your information). Never knew he was so particular about this stuff but anyway. We did the flag selling shit for MAD and it was quite lame cos all we did for the first part was sit down and talk cock. Me teasing him about manda, talking about sc girls, our classes and blah. And hearing from him, it seems like Youth Club is actually fun, they actually organize stuff that's quite adult-ish, like the countdown, grassroots thingy. Plus you get to meet interesting youths from all over the island, makes me jealous cos I want to meet new people and stop being stuck in the same social rut/circle. Yep, but its too late for me to join now. Quite sad. . . I missed a chance, for change. Good change. Well, I did most of the flag selling in the end cos he said he was too darn "demoralized" to ask for money after people rejected him and I could just poke the sucker in the ribs man (and I did I think!), haha. But it was quite fun anyway, especially when ying came and all the gossip started pouring out from the both of them. Lionel knows way too much sc gossip man, he knows people I didn't even theenk he would ever know. Its interesting where he gets his sources man. And yup, before ying came, me and lionel slacked away in a crowded, inconspicuous McDonalds in centrepoint for like an hour or so and it was ggooodd man, just to cheat on cip. I get cheap thrills from doing such.


For our second shift, we did park security and this is the SLACKEST but most tiring cip to do, cos for like 3 hours, all you do is walk non-stop around the park looking for "bubbers" or fake bombs planted by the organizers with the intention of keeping you alert. Among the bubbers, there were single dynamite sticks, dynamites-tied-in-a-bunch, "suspicious items", etc. We found a C4 in our area, aptly described as for "experimental purposes" by the organizers. For non-computer gamers out there, its an explosive. Rather interesting, and it kicks flag selling's butt to high heaven. Hopefully I'll get to do it again, just ask ying and Misterr lionel again then. . .

I'm mad. My darn pirated computer games can't work! That means that I have to make an extra trip down to beauty world to get it changed. And even then, there's no gurantee. Sigh. . .22 bucks just wasted like that. I should get out of this expensive game addiction. Seriously. It takes up too much of my time and I'm just rotting when I'm playing. I should engage in more meaningful activities. Well, another lesson learnt. Stop wasting your life away. I have only so much time. . . .

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Sometimes I wonder.

Who actually reads this load of crap here? Who bothers to hear my immature thoughts, my endless whinings or ravings about good and bad stuff they don't even know of and can't identify with? Who actually drops by? For a visit? Apart from the people I know who've found this, I wonder who else knows? If they do, they must've found it by manda's way, which, in actual fact, is damnnably easy to find. Too easy, in fact, considering how volatile this blog is. The content's pretty personal and there's stuff about other people in it. Let's not even go into how in-your-face, my lovely template is ( I almost chickened out and changed it into something more "wholesome", but thank god I wised up and got those nasty, insecure thoughts out of my head). But I'm just too lazy to figure out how to keep it secure, then again some part of me wishes for people to find it on their own, without me having to tell them. Cos when they find this, they know I'm actually not who I seem to be. . .but someone else. It'll change their perspective of me, show me for who I really am. Then I won't have to go through the nerve-wrecking and seemingly never-ending process of coming out to other people. Instead of leading themselves to the door, I wished just for once they'd find it themselves and spare me all this burden of letting them know, in order for me to be myself.

Maybe nobody comes here. And I'm all alone. Surrounded by my own melancholic thoughts. Not surprising since I don't intend to give away this blog address to anyone who dosen't know. Its all my own choosing. They'll probably be scared off by my kissing "guardians" before they could actually get to the words. Imagine. . .clicks on link . Shock! Disgust! EWW! Whats that? Lesbian! Yucks! Why elsa put that on her blog? Ew ew ew ew! Yucks! Let's get out of here! Clicks 'back'. . .All even before my words have a chance to say their peace. Which is metorphorical in a sense. People only see the outside and if they don't like it. They turn away, without giving what that truly matters the "priviledge" of their attention. So I guess this is sort of a test huh? If you intend to find out more about me? You have to get past my guardians, you gotta accept first, before you can come inside. . .

Who's already inside that I don't know of? Show yourself! You might as well since you skulking around in the darkness. This is MY blog, and no matter who's here, I'll say what I want. I'll say my two cents worth. Even better, then you'll know what I think of you. Good move? Bad move? I don't like to pretend anymore. I've been pretending for a long time. I should just shove this facade up my ass and just be me! Vent these thoughts! Don't bottle them up! Feeling better now? I'm just a very frank person. . .

Naive as well. And I'm just saying this now cos I know there's not many people here! X)

On sunday, we went to watch the Love Unending musical. Me, Shujun, Qian Jin and manda who so kindly gave us her free tickets to the show. Quite glad someone else, didn't turn up, don't know how I'd act then. Would've been weird considering the morning dissatisfaction I felt. How others can be so clueless about what they can do to others. How the small things always matters (and sometimes matters more than the big obvious issues), and our deepest impressions of the people around us are formed by their wordless, careless actions that they never thought were significant. Actions speak louder than words. Who would object to the fact that your view of your friends are shaped by the little things they do? The small gestures, slights and interaction (or lack there of) between? Everybody analyzes everything and every happening they see. They may not see things in the same light but we all scrutinize it nonetheless. All of us. We can't help it. More so we do it to the people we care most about. Sigh. . You may not understand what I'm saying, but you would know what it feels like cos I'm pretty sure you've gone through it. When somebody seems different from the small, simple actions they take and you are always left wondering if you are reading too much into things. Or that they are just, like that. But oh, they say, you can't feel or think the way others do. What's fine for you ain't so for me. I guess we're all different.

I know, I'm not coming across very clearly, you're probably confused right now. its just like trying to explain the subtle meanings in body language. Wordless emotions and feelings we feel are hard to express. Its not enough that I'm from scgs and its rigourous english training there, some things are just to profound for a simpleton like me to expound on. I ain't no expert at this. But I just hope that my crude, layman expression would at least convey abit of what I'm trying to say.

As for you, I'll learn to expect less. . . or nothing at all. . .the next time round. Can't view you the way I do my other friends who never do this ever. Maybe I'm overreacting or just sensitive (yea reader, I see you nodding your head, but you're not me. You can't possibly know) you say, but I know wouldn't act this way. I wouldn't do unto others what I don't want others to do to me. Perhaps I expect too much from you. I'm too used to niceness. . . I've learnt my lesson. I 'll just move on now and put this behind me.

Well, Love Unending was not bad for the first half of the show that we watched. It was pretty good actuall. The singing and dancing was quite nice, I wasn't bored at all! Then at intermission we went walking around ac barker and because the girls couldn't find a proper, non-stinky or crowded toilet, we went into a secluded male toilet! Haha, that was interesting. And for a while the guys toilet became the girl's and I tried to shoo Q J away when he had every right to stay. Along the way back we met two aunties who were also looking for toilets and we pointed them to the disgusting female ones elsewhere but they still entered the secluded male toilet near us anywa. Can you imagine if some guy came into the toilet and saw them? At least we had Q J for guard! We left acs then, could'nt be bothered to watch the last half of the show, and went to Newton Circus anyway to eat supper. Bought oyster omelette, Hokkien Prawn mee, rojak (which sucked), chicken wings and some drinks. Gosh we were like pigs man! Nevermind, good training for friday night trek.

Music from the comp, "Gourmandises" by Alizee.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

You know, when I came to NJC, I had one worry friendship-wise, that the people I meet will not be able to live up to my standards cos I was so used to the god-sent wonderful splendour offered by scgs girls in terms of companionship and like-mindedness. Even worse, I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to click with others who come from such different backgrounds, speak a foreign language (chinese) and cannot understand the scgs' girl love of arts and books and all things scgs-ish. I was scared I wouldn't be able to meet people who I could gel with and truly call friends, instead of aquaintences or classmates.

Somehow, in the middle of the year, I thought all my worries were unfounded. I DO have some great and fun pals in class not from scgs, but when I scrutinise closely enough, I realize that they were just there. . .when all was merry and there was fun and laughter. They were never present when there were storms, nor did I find them trustworthy enough to tell them stuff cos I didn't think they could understand me. Instead, it was the scgs girls that I turned to. The oh-so dependable scgs girls. And its so weird you know. I had ample opportunities to get to know my classmates as I do some of the sc girls in NJ, but yet its the sc girls I feel closer to. Look at manda, I've never known her, and neither did we exactly stick to each other like glue when we came to this foreign class. Yet somehow, I've ended up closer to her than the other girls in class, though every other girl had equal chance for me to get close to them. I think I would just die if there wasn't manda in class, cos there is arguably NO ONE else I can truly depend on to stand by me when I'm down. Hello manda, I know you've found this blog, so if you read this, I liked to say a big THANK YOU and *muacks* for everything! Then there's Mel, whom although wasn't very close to me in sec school, I mix with her alot now. Partly becos of amanda, but amazingly cos we aren't even in the same class and yet I feel a stronger bond and kinship with her than my other girl classmates. Samantha dearest too, somehow it seems we are now more candid, and we joke about little things on sms. How we always drop a hello on msn and kid around then. I feel so much more at home and familiarly at ease with her, just like in sec 1 but better. And how could I forget Beatrice? Wonderful bea who came like an angel straight down from heaven when I was in my darkest hour and all around me were people whose shoulders I couldn't cry on? The person whom I thought was very unlikely to understand my situation, and how her friendly demeanour and scgs charm was all it took to break my barrier of gut-wrenching silence? All bottled up inside and now let out with teary relief? Sam and bea, you guys said wonderful, mature, and understanding things to make me feel better. How incredible, I thought you would be too shocked to accept at first but just look how forthcoming you all have been. SCGS girls, presents sent straight from heaven. I will encourage all future mothers of daughters to send their daughters to the hallowed and honoured institution that is scgs. And at the end of the day, the product that is her daughter will make this world a better place. I've made a personal pledge before, that if I get rich, I'll make a donation to scgs. I will. Watch me.

I've also now understood why, just why scgs girls stick to acs guys so much. Cos they are wonderful gentlemen! They are the closest you can get to scgs-like friends, cos somehow, they just seem to click better with you, understand you more, than the other Cat high, or SJI boys around. Lots of guys in NJ just want to talk cock and joke/fool around but you can't actually depend on them. Not acs guys though. Thank god, for acs guys, Ian especially (I know you read this!). You should be priviledged, cos you are the first guy I trust enough to tell you all my shit. And there's wonderful Nathaniel, though he can be so immature sometimes. These guys are the alter ego/male counterpart of scgs girls. No wonder we love them so much! Haha!


There are of cos, the other people in our class.

Christina, not bad for an mgs girl, but I wish you were just less mugger-ish and hung out with us more. Be more spontaneous! Go out with us! And she reminds me of Zhi Qi, its like you could joke about her and get away with it. Maid? Haha, okay I should stop being so evil and insult. Stop it, elsa! Stop. You could be great you know? But you are just so damn homophobic, why? I'm scared of your reaction. I thought you would've matured by now and came to accept such things.

Shujun, great mahjong kaki and I admire your ability to organize stuff. I take my hat off to you. But I know I can't confide in you.

Mindy. Heheh, where do I start? I thought I knew you, cos we were close. But I guess I was wrong. Until now, I realized that I don't know exactly who you are? What sort of friend you want to be? Maybe part-time I guess. Cos you never have time for your classmates, you're as good as a non-existent friend now. We never ever seem to be able to catch you. . .maybe you don't value us as much as you do your other millions of friends. Sometimes, I wonder if I can count on you to stand by me, to catch me if I ever fall. But I have a nasty feeling that you'd be "busy", as you seem to always be. There's a reason, why I called you "fairweather", cos you seemed to act for your own convenience, your ownself . . . I still remember what you once ripped off and sent to me, "Making a 1000 friends a year is not a miracle. The miracle is to have a friend that stands by you for a 1000 reasons." I know for sure you fit the first description, but I'm not so sure now if you fit the last. . . And its so ironic, cos it comes from you. I don't get you at all. I should stop wasting time trying to figure out so.

Keefe, you are both angel and devil. I love your maturity, and how I can talk about the most abstract and hypothetical, deep things with you. Maybe its because of the lit training in you, the philosophical person inside. Though you may have your bad points like Brutus (being overly righteous), you still shine on the whole. If I ever need advice on really big life-changing decisions "about my future", I know I can count on you. I also know I can count on you to spend time hearing me out and advicing me sincerely from the heart, wishing me all the best. Cos its just your innocent and naive nature to do so. You gotta love it and hate it. Keefe is a blessing, no matter how far away his mind seems to be from ours. He will stand by you when push comes to shove, when the situation calls for it. I think Keefe would be the only guy who would willingly die in the act of saving someone, you may think this is all wannabe and pretentious in trying to be heroic. But when its the real thing, when you are the one being saved, you would be forever indebted to him.

The rest of the people? I don't really know them enough. Cat high guys I do not understand. The rest of the people? . . . . .I don't really know what to comment about them.

Had CIP today. it was really militant. The managers were soo blardy strict!! You know what we had to do? We had to wear a bright orange top and walk around flag selling. Purpose of the top was so that manager's "spies" can easily identify us and see if we are slacking or really doing work. Then you can say, oh, we can just change back into our old clothes so we won't be seen and can sneak off right? Well, they don't let us carry our bags with us! It had to be kept in a locker! So we can't change! What's more, we are only allowed to take 15 minute breaks and even then, we actually had to CALL them to inform them and ask permission for a break! What kind of prison are they running here? Child labour agency ah? And throughout the whole thing, I had a sneaky, lingering question at the back of my head, "If we can only take 15 minute breaks, how can we possibly eat dinner when the shifts run consecutively from 2-10pm?". My question was soon answered, when at the end of the 2-6pm shift, I came back and saw them taking out pre-packaged meals in styrofoam boxes. What? I can't even have the liberty to choose what I want to eat? So many places in orchard and I have to eat hospital food? Well . . . my only consolation was at least I didn't have to pay for this meal. I gave up at the end of the shift, ying ying's feet were hurting cos she wore the wrong footwear, there was only flag-selling activities available for the next shift so we decided to call it quits. Groan, nevermind, at least we actually slacked quite a lot cos the managers were rather inefficient and made us sit around in chairs for 1 and a half hours while we waited to get our flag stuff. So me and ying just talk cock and stone, and all the while hours were being clocked! When we came back, also stoned some more and wait for them to go about their shit before they let us off. I saw Maria there too, coming to do cip just as I was leaving. And we saw Tessa from our old school. We also got to know this two very super *kuai* (though they don't look like it) MJC girls who apparently never cheat at all during flag selling? We were like, do you go and slack off? Watch movie etc? And they were like, *draws back* erm. . no? Okayyy. . .

I discussed stuff with ying today too. And you know what, I'm beginning to think I'm wasting my time trying to figure out someone. Ying was like sort of confirming the suspicions in my head, and I think its quite true too. I don't know if its real but I'm just getting such negative vibes man.

i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything

what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt

i wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
i cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
i am still right here

what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt

if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way

---"Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Very bored. So here I am.

Just watched Singapore Idol, though I don't like it and abhorr it normally, this is the finals. So I might as well see what everbody is over-reacting about (Also, I happened to be doing math homework at the coffee table in front of the TV and of cos my sister would watch teh darn show. So it was like forced fed to me. By the way, may I add that I've completed the partial frac and binomial section? Woohoo! I'm making some progress, series now is real tough. First question like I can't understand why I'm wrong. Okay, get out mugger! This blog is not for academic discussion!). I liked Dick Lee's performance! So nice and catchy! When he sang the chorus I knew it was a spoof (or parody or play whatever) on Fried Rice Paradise. And I thought he sang well, he's really good! To think that I was initially abit worried for him that he won't be able to live up to his reputation and make himself sing worse than the idol contestants (!) But pardon my doubts sir, I really take my hat off to you. It was the performance I enjoyed the most out of the show. Of cos, being bias here I don't like Singapore Idol therefore I don't like whoever crack-pot wannabe crooner's on it.

Argh, looking aroung my room's in a state of mess. I haven't packed up all the overflowing junk from promos and don't intend to soon enough. And my arm now hurts from softball. I feel like a test dummy. How much damage can a projectile softball batted 1 metre away from a human bicep create? Quite abit apparently. But its my fault anyway, J L's right. I should've moved further away when tossing the ball in.

Went to watch Incredibles this tuesday with sister. Haha it was so amusing, what happened before the show. My damnable period shit just came. And along with it came sinister cramps. Irritating dull pain that made me feel like hurling every 5 minutes. This are the times I hate being born a girl ( arrgh! Just thinking of guys and their pain-free and "clean" existence just makes me so jealous then). So there was I, so reluctant to go out but yet wanting to watch the movie cos its cheaper now than Friday or whatever. Tug on the "outside" clothes, do the hair slowly, pack up the bag, wear sandals. . .(careful! It hurts to bend down!), then out the door we went. She had her eczema problem as well and was damn uncomfortable too. So we just stood there quietly at the busstop, me moaning and pulling my face, she scratching and sulking at me. Then it just struck me that we were like the women granted immortality in Death Becomes Her, the part near the end whereby both of them are helpless with their deteoriating body condition. When the 174 bus came I was like yay! Cos it goes straight to orchard and we don't have to change bus! After a while, I realized there was this mad, literally insane, mentally unsound oldd man sitting behind me. He was like complaining loudly and grossly in hokkien about this stupid world and the lousy Singapore government and blah, and here was I clutching my stomache trying to sleep or straining my neck to watch the TV mobile right on top of me. It was so so unbearable. We got down on the next stop, he was getting roudy and was screaming down the bus (well, at least to me that was what it seemed). And he brushed my ponytail! Errgh, get away from me slime. I do not which to be made further uncomfortable right now! The show was good, I liked it. I don't mind watching it again. And the shows I want to watch currently? Eternal sunshine blah blah, Mean girls again, and Swimming Pool (the last one is the hardest cos its RA and my parents would sort of frown on its kinkiness, Ludivine Sagnier almost nude on the cover by a swimming pool? I don't theenk so. . . )

CIP hell. I have signed myself up for 32 hours of cip and tomorrow, I'll will be doing 8 more with ying, but nevermind it will mostly consist of slacking and talking and maybe I'll head down to Ghim Moh market where manda said I can find computer games! Pirated=cheeeeaaap! Yay! I'm so glad! I'm my old self again, just wasting away at home, butt spreading out on the chair like jam on toast, eyes glued to the screen and the beautiful, beautiful escape that is the virtual gameworld. (Shit I just got news that the Ghim Moh market pirated games stall might be closed! SHIT!). Sob so sad, so many games so little time. Hai. . .I should stop thinking about playing, there are more important things in my life than games. But sometimes, I just feel that people miss out on something when they don't go through the fun and enjoyment I have when I play. Its just like how people like to watch all those chinese/japanese/korean serials you know? There's a beautiful storyline which can make you cry and everything, it just somehow, gives you something to remember ,an experience you may or may not forget (but for the time being, its seems worthwhile for you to spend your time on it, cos its poignant now). There are beautiful stories in my computer games as well, beautiful art and the best thing is you have a part in shaping the world the characters live in, unlike movies or shows where you have no control and you are just helpless. I wish I could share it with people, but nobody would understand cos they've never played that game and those who actually do (guys) usually play the borring stuff like final fantasy (eugh!). No one plays Grim Fandango (so so artsy and sublime) or Baldur's Gate. Some of the mainstream stuff I play as well and those have really great stories too. Sigh, try playing man! There is a reason why SO many boys love computer games, its because they were introduced to it from a young age by their fathers. Girls on the other hand, don't get such treatment (but I was special ;) ) that's why they think games are boring! Haha, its just like how girls hate soccer huh? We can't understand what we don't like. Everbody feels and thinks differently. Its just like how, I couldn't know why in the past I did not understand the love portrayed on TV. It seemed so contrived, surrreal. But the rare glimpses of "forbidden fruit" I see looked so alluring and real to me. Well, I know better now.



By the way, I think butches just spoil the market. I mean, they get all the non-straight girls and people like me are the last to "receive" whatever's left! (guys always get first choice) . And please, who wants to date a pseudo male? A fake boy? Who even wants to be one? You're a girl! You can't change that! You may look manly on the outside but when you strip down to the bare truth, you're nothing but a girl! And the only guy thing about you is your armani hairdo for chrissake! You see those? That's called " BOOBS"! Stop binding them you're gonna spoil it for your future child! Okay okay, I concede, I just don't understand what it feels like for such people and that's why I can't emphatise. But that dosen't mean that I don't accept such people. I do! We share something in common ;) and I'll embrace you with open, platonic arms . . . its just we don't share the same lifestyle. You know what? ALL. And I mean all, of the non-straight friends of mine have been larger than life and wonderful people. Straight people can be oh-so borring and predictable sometimes (pardon me but just look around, ain't that true? Then take a look at your crooked pals, there's a huge chance one of them is exactly what I've described. Cooler). It even seems that sometimes they have better characters, are less shallow and are more likely to "risk it" and are. . .self-assured. Its as though they, by having finally found themselves and accepted it, have grown to be so much wiser and a better person than other straight people who are still lost and searching. I know what it feels like, to finally find yourself. Nothing the hell scares you, no issue big or small. Cos we've gone through what was arguably so much tougher and excruciating. Fighting this inner battle, of so-called morality and what society expects of you; versus your true self just wanting to emerge and be free. I feel stronger you know, being myself. I also feel older and wiser. . . I love who I want, don't tell me what to do. I know exactly what I want. I'm not lost. And boy am I glad that I took one step through that door. . .Woohoo! Elsa! I'm so proud of you! Give yourself a pat on the back! You did it! You admitted it! In the most true and poignant fashion that you want to!. . .to someone you love at that! Words cannot describe how glad I am, that I got the guts to say "I like you" to you. How so many others struggle inside and figet uncomfortably, so scared of rejection and what other people might think (who the hell cares man! This is your life. Don't let others control it! Don't do what you'll regret. And you will regret, if you never try). I love you! And I'll shout it across the mountain tops and over the seas and oceans cos it comes straight from my heart! That is all that matters. . .

How many people can actually say that they did what I did? To tell someone that they liked them, straight in the face though the possiblilty of getting rejected and hurt is almost 100%? How many actually tried to attempt the impossible? Do you believe in miracles? It can happen. And I'll keep trying. . .if I fall, I'll pick myself up again. No matter how many tries it takes. I'll get there one day. You just gotta have faith.


I'm really proud of myself. I feel good. I did what I thought I'd never be able to do. And I did it with pure faith and sincerity . . . and naivety as well. But I did it nonetheless, and I'll do it again in a heartbeat, when the time comes for it. You've been a great teacher, I've learned so much from my mistakes with you. And there's more . . . I've got to dress better. Presentation is key. Confidence is better. But sincerity and character is what will win it in the end. Looks matter, but in this case, it was secondary for you. And you know what? It gives me hope that one day someone too will see pass my outside for the me inside. Cos that's all I saw for you. YAY! I'm feeling some closure. . . I hope.


Either way, tomorrow will be interesting, I'd love to see how much we can actually slack off and fool around. And I hope I get to see someone else too. . .