Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Forget it. It screwed again. I'm not gonna try another time.

Ignore the below nonsense. Correction, it is NOT easy to work html! Just when I painstakingly put everything in nicely somehow my stoopid template didn't work! I checked that the html, by some insane, sinister magic, self-deleted huge chunks of itself, leaving me with an empty blog and forcing me to restart everything from scratch! Took me 10 mins to straighten all the crap out!!!! *Pant and wheeze in anger* Nevermind now, I just hope it stays the same! PLease blog, do not screw yourself up please!

O-M-G I just realize how easy it is to work html. Check out the mouse now! Its got this snazzy clock thingy. I was looking through Blogskins and there was this cool browser thing and all I had to do was study the html carefully so I can cut the correct section and plug it in, without screwing the rest of my blog up. . .Hehe, this feels like stealing! (Issit? I keep reading about other people stealing each other's blog templates, images and blah. . .). Okay, I'm gonna search for more little quirks to put on now. Hope I can get those witty messages that appear at the bottom of the window, sort of like a browser. Gosh I'm really wasting my time on this nonsense man, should be studying!

Monday, November 29, 2004

Correction: I dunno how but I somehow created that link in red for the post below, its not actually someone's email (issit?). Either way I'm just very confused by all this. Getting this template up was difficult man, but I know alot more about html now. I love this template man. . . so cool. . . X) But of cos quite hard to manage the blog with it lar. . . have to watch my back. . . in case someone's looking. . . If you're wondering why I haven't bothered to secure this blog, there are 2 reasons. One, I'm too lazy, I can't be bothered to find out how and secondly, I don't really care if people find out anymore, so long as it ain't my family. And if they can't deal with it?

Screw them!

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Gosh, am really hooked on Enjoy the silence by Depeche Mode now (I'm listening to it as I type). Yeah, you may wonder who the hell is that? He's actually (yes its a he not actually a band, just as Nine Inch Nails is all about Trent Reznor although it seems like a band cos of the name.) an old artist from the '80s but somehow I just love his this one song. Many people don't like the music I hear or never hear it before. Its like I have ultra different taste from everybody like that. People like the mainstream music you hear on the radio, but I rarely like those and the ones I like people don't like! Hmm. . .no common ground man. Oh did I mention I'm a big Madonna fan? NOBODY. And I really mean nobody I know, in secondary school actually was a madonna fan like me. I'm like I have around 4-5 of her cds and I listen to her songs alot, online or otherwise and her music's just so cool (people then give me the eugh! look of disgust and say madonna sucks. . .oh well.). I wonder when I'll find someone with my musical tastes. Even movies also almost the same thing. Chick flicks? (&@*#)*@&$*#%)*#% Eugh! I want to "puke blood" (Kai's fave expression in sec4)! Some are nice but most are. . .*shudder* Hillary Duff-y. Its such an overly fake portrayal of reality that are meant to dub innocent and impressionable young girls into believing that fairytale romance actually exists and that life can be oh-so-easy. You just have to be young, smart and pretty. Have flawless skin and be born with a silver spoon so you can afford all the materialistic trappings draped around your wonderful, heavenly body. You get a nice high after the movie and then its plummet right back to earth and you grapple with the fact that your body ain't and never will be as perfect, you will never be as rich, and your future husband/lover, will never be half as good-looking and muscular like those in the movies. See that guy friend next to you? Your husband will probably look like that. No matter how cleanly you eat up the rice on your plate. That's life. Face it. I, on the other hand, rather watch those shows you know can never leave you feeling wanting cos its too impossible to be true and is a real escape from reality (The matrix, all that sort). Either that, or the quirky films that you can actually identify with, things that have real meaning and leave a deep impresssion on you cos it is about you. You know this sort of things happen in real life and its just like watching youself from a different perspective, or seeing how others actually live their lives differently from yours (I love love love American Beauty, its my favourite. Others include White Oleander, About schmidt, One hour photo). I also love arthouse films, because the style is just so unique and lyrical, like literature on film (anybody watched 8 Women, the french movie? I expect to hear silence. . .). Those and comedies as well, anything that makes me laugh out loud I will like it. Who wouldn't anyway?

p.s Do NOT click on the link above in red. I just wanted to say some censored swear words and this is actually someone's email address! Shock!

Coincidence? Maybe not! Haha, mahjong. . .

Signs

Remember the dream I told you? The one when I was napping and in my head I wondered what it was like to kiss someone and a scary though not surprising NJ guy came zooming into my view? It scared me and I woke up?

Well, I never told you the full dream. I dreamed the same of you as well. And then I wondered . . . why you? Of all the people in the world I know. . .

----

Its true you know what I wrote in my poem. . ."Gone for three days and three nights". You were really gone for 3 school days. And I couldn't help but just feel your absence, and the gaping hole it left in me. The days felt so unfulfilling. . . and I couldn't wait to see you again. And when you were back, I felt this.

Relief. It seem so weird at that time. I don't miss my friends when they're absent from school, no matter how fun they are. Why do I miss you?

----

There was a day in lecture, I think we had a "great time" the day before (great in terms of bonding) and I was real glad to be able to see you again. But then, you seemed so cold in lecture somehow. So strangely silent, so . . . distant. I even remembered something. I was next to you. you spoke to the person on your left and when you turned to my side, you spoke to the person down the row next to me! I was bypassed! Shock. Horror. In truth, paranoid. Why was I so bloody sensitive to such small things? Even worse. I started to suspect that you were daoing me. Why? Could it be. . .you suspect that I like you? Puhh--lease! Yuck man! I don't! Oh, c'mon! I'm your friend for chrissake! Why would I feel that? Oh please lar! You can't compare to S Y or HM or even R, why in the world would I like you? Just because I'm nice to you? Oh, yuck man I d-o-n-'t love you! Get real!

And I imagined us getting back into the friendship groove after I tell you this. . .I was even anticipating when you would ask the dreaded question. You know, when such questions pop up in my head, it gives me ideas. . .and I knew something was going on.

----

I started to act, like the way I used to do, to S. Now it was you. Why do I always wish you to msg me? It's no big deal!

***

Haha, and in the past, I was so proud, even gloating about the fact that for once in my life, a supposedly hot person had no effect on me whatsoever. Well, I guess the tables have been turned. I failed to resist. I succumbed. And when I realised it, I was ashamed. Because of how I thought at the start, how I was so sure about you and then now this happens.

I guess you really turned out different huh? The most unexpected thing to ever happen to me in NJ. Never did I ever dream this would happen. . .

Surprise. You like her. Now what?

I need to shape up. Seriously. Well, thanks to my mum, and indirect motivation from someone else, I actually went to jog today, although it was only like 3.2 k instead of the usual 4. Better than nothing. I was just lying in bed contemplating whether I should get off my lard ass and the comfy wide bed and then my mother started nagging at me to get up and run like I promised. So I sat up and looked out the window. Ooh, it sure looks hot in the morning. Sizzling man. I can see sunlight on the jogging path. What the hell lah, I thought, you gained weight already! So trugded down reluctantly and got it going. But yeah, it was good and I don't regret it.

Sometimes I think I'm real glad I joined a sports cca cos it forces you to exercise and its good for you. Better than some academic cca or what ever (but performing arts ccas are very good too, cos it gives you, how shall I say. . . people skills and aesthetics appreciation or something. Speaking about performing arts, scgs dance girls are the luckiest, most spoilt and nurtured dancers in Singapore. Last year, they went to Melbourne, this year they are going to New Zealand and next year, guess where they're headed to? New York!! That's freaking New York!! Tell me who gets to go to New York for school trip? And they go every single bloody year! This makes me stop in my tracks and realize that maybe I had lost a fantastic opportunity being in scgs. . .Haha, elsa? Dancer? In tights and tutu? Nah! But oh, what experiences they have! I'm so jealous!!! This makes me even more convinced to send my daughter to sc in the future. . . Wait, am I gonna get married in the first place? Hmmmm. . . . )

I was thinking, we softballers really need to get moving as well. We need pt. Sorry guys but look at ourselves, just take a good look at the sad state of affairs man. Can't even keep up with abit of continuous fielding. . . Got to run and sprint more. Oh, and pitch more, field more, bat more, everything more.

p.s. By the way, I'm hooked on a new game (actually its an old one). Tropico: Paradise Island. your role is that of a dictator and you rule a small carribean island. Something like Simcity with Bahamas flavour you know. Its really cute and fun to play. Oh well, it also makes me more sedentary as well. But then again, anything else I do in the house will undoubtedly be sedentary cos my maid is back (!) and I don't have to do housework anymore. Actually this maidless period has made me more independent, I know to be more tidy now.

Words like violence
Break the silence
Come crashing in
Into my little world
Painful to me
Pierce right through me
Can't you understand
Oh my little girl

All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm

Vows are spoken
To be broken
Feelings are intense
Words are trivial
Pleasures remain
So does the pain
Words are meaningless
And forgettable

All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm

Enjoy the silence

--"Enjoy the silence" by Depche Mode

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Woohoo! Check out my new template! Racy man! Haha, alot of people will be shocked by this. . .which is the desired effect really.

GET OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE!!!

GET REAL!!

Friday, November 26, 2004

I like Depeche Mode. Plus Nine Inch Nails. And all those weirdo musicians and bands people don't know of. Does anybody asian in this tiny land even know who Alizée is and is a fan of hers? Goodness, you should hear french pop. Its edgy. You may think I'm being pretentious here but this is really good addictive stuff. Her music has a really cool flavour, like techno and fast-paced and there's "make you cry" coldplay-esque ballads as well. Lovely. I wish to introduce to the world the fantastic artist known as Alizée, http://www.moi-alizee.com/. Go check it out. . .and listen to Moi Lolita (on Gourmandises album) and Tempete (Mes Courants Electriques album). I personally love Gourmandises but my sis hates that song, well check it out for yourself and go figure!

This blog is too much about you. Its becoming an overkill. . . and now its getting abit more so.

I'm gonna make a resolution: I'm not gonna throw away next year for you. I'm not gonna ruin my As and my future cos I'm still mulling over you. I have to get out of this rut, start working. And to start it off, I resolve to do maths next monday, Mclaurin's Series. Softball senior kok says its a walk in the park, I shall find out if it is so. I shall be a mugger and kick somebody's ass in econs once more. I can do it! I have to do it!

"I got the power!!" (sung to the tune of that black woman's song)

Softball today was gruelling in some parts, like the field 5-7 grounders part at one shot. And I'm getting so tired easily, the stamina needs some pumping up. . .Sigh, am so busy. My holidays are spent over school stuff, and I still have to look for cip. . . What a chore.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

I have a stuffy nose now. Its giving me a major headache and you know what? On the one hand, at least I can breathe. On the other, one nostril is clogged airtight, so that half my head is in pain. Yeah, sinus pain. The doctor told me a long time ago that its uncurable, unless I go under the knife, even then its only temporary relief. . .Sigh, I'm suppose to outgrow this. It's uncomfortable as hell now. But lotsa people have it, some people have worse problems. . .I should just suck it in and bear this shit. Argh, f*ck! I hate this. Feels so bad that it makes you want to cry or tear out your hair or both.

Why am I here then? Cos I've got nothing else to do. And my head's just swirling with thoughts. I've been thinking about you again (this is not good, not good at all). And I'm worried to death that I'll never be able to see you one more time in this hols, there's only like two weeks left before you leave to another land, a happy land to take away your worries. Without me. And I can't share your joy, your fun, your excitement. . your laughter. I'll just be here on my own. You're right you know. My life is all about softball. . .and mahjong. It should be about something else too. I wish I could say I want it to be about you. But I was wiser, I did what I had to do (the things you do which you hate). I kept quiet. It'll be better for both of us. Oh! But how I HATE to hide anymore! To be dishonest! I wish I could just say the truth to you without having to lie. Its for the better I tell myself. But I wished you knew, knew what you were doing to me. Sigh. . .actually, my life was all about you for a while. And I was happy then, but at the same time insecure like shit. Just trembling inside. Worrying what the next day will bring, no matter how pleasant the previous day was (its just like Murphy's Law, just when you think nothing bad can happen, something even worse occurs. Any propable bad thing that can happen will happen). Whether you would stick with me, be as nice to me as the day before, whether you would seem to drift away, or inch a little closer. Every single thing had meaning, everything thing you said every body language. Sometimes, I just can't help but act the way I do. Doing and saying all the wrong things I know I should avoid. . .Be the jealous demon inside of me. Hurting you. . .just to make you laugh in a desparate attempt. You know I'm not like that with others, its just that this is you, I don't know how to act like a rational human being. And when I thought you weren't interested in me (you were just distracted actually), I would hide and creep into my shell, pour myself into fake studying when all I was doing was "monitoring " you from the corner of my eye. . .to see if you cared, if you bothered or notice. Then you wondered why I was so silent, distant and cold. Why I never talked to you. I pushed you away from me cos I seemed so hostile. Heheh, its ironic isn't it? Here was I wishing so badly you would turn around and speak to me cos you were talking to everyone but me. And there you were, waiting for me to open my mouth, puzzled by my behaviour, propably wondering why I was acting this way to you when I was nice the day before. We both don't want it to be this way. . .but misunderstandings arise. I lost precious moments becos of that. Moments with you.

Next year, sigh, I have no time for you anymore. I spent it all on you this promos and gave myself a big lashing from mother and teachers. 7A1s? I'm a shadow of my former self. I'm no more the star. No more the role model, the smart-ass people look up to. Recently, my aunt praised me for doing well in the o levels and you know what? I was ashamed of myself, I've become so lousy. And I know I cannot risk next year for you. But oh! How I wish I could just spend all my time just talking with you, enjoying your company, laugh the way we used to. There's no time anymore . . . And I'm so afraid of asking you. . .afraid you'll say no (which is likely, knowing what a busy person you are, busy spending time with other people but not with me). . afraid you'll think I'm still "like that". In short, I'm just to scared to be overly nice to you like my old self again. Afraid of sending you messages, talking to you on msn, basically keeping in contact with you. . . in case of what you might suspect. I'm running out of time, out of options, I just don't know what to do to make things right again.

I know manda said I should stay away so I can forget you. Its true yeah, but I don't want to. Cos the longer I stay away from you, the more scared and up-tight I become when we next meet. The anticipation, nervousness and horror will just build up and build up . . . and I'll worry to no end. At least when I meet you and talk to you, I can breathe a sigh of relief and just learn to relax. The more I see you, the more I can go back to acting to normal. All I need is to practice being normal around you, learn how to chill. So that each time seeing you will be better and better, less traumatic, less worrying. I can be my old self. I really wish to be close to you again. I miss it. Miss telling you my heart and hearing yours.

God I'm tearing. . .

At what I feel I'm losing, at what I've thrown away. . .An amazing friendship, that has to be rebuilt all over again. My first real friend, I thought of you as my best friend then, even though I know you place others above me. . . Sigh regrets. . . BUT I DON'T REGRET SAYING " I LIKE YOU!" AT ALL! For once I bared my heart, when I've hid it all along, bottled up inside. For once I told the truth! For once I dared to risk the odds!! For once I did what I knew I had to do if I was ever gonna get someone in this life! I'm not a gutless coward afraid of discovery anymore! I'm stronger now, I'm braver now. I've . . . grown. But oh, at what price . . .

Heheh, and to think I was so amazed at myself. At my ability to be actually a sweet person. . . To write all my poems to you. Do you know you are the only recipient of such pain-stakingly crafted words? And that every single poem I've wrote is somehow connected to you? From the very first to the last. . . And how touched I was when I knew you were thinking of me. . .and bothered to send me something nice (even though I know you just forwarded someone else's words. . .and to me, that's actually a very insincere thing to do. You want to wish someone well? Craft your own words, make the message yours. . . don't be a lazy, cheapskate when it comes to friendship). And how I wish that one day, you would take the time to write something nice for me, just as I've done for you many times. But I guess I was never good or worthy enough. . . Sometimes I wondered if you took me for granted. . .Did you? It feels like it. Especially when I read your belated birthday note. It was . . . sad. I thought you better dear, I guess you were too busy like you said, too busy to take time out for me. I saw you writing it in the lecture and wondered who it was for. . . and for once, I wished it wasn't for me. . . And then I saw what Manda gave me and wrote. I know both of you bought it for me. . .but I also know who actually did all the work, it couldn't be you. You're too busy. And I wondered, perhaps, just perhaps, I should've spent my time on more deserving people. Why? Was it becos of what happened? Why did you put so little into this friendship, when I've poured my heart and soul into making you happy? Doing the little things I've done for you? To me, the effort someone puts in showing you his or her appreciation for you is testament to how much you mean to them. I guess I don't mean much to you after all. . .

In the past, I had the hard work ethos. If you work hard and strive for your goal, you will succeed. And it proved to be true. . for studies. But not for you. No matter how much I try, you won't treasure me as much as I do for you. No matter how much I show my sincerity, no matter how much I try. I don't understand you at all girl, I really don't.










Do I still like you?

I'm so afraid you'll ask me that question one day. And I know it'll be hard to lie. . .

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

In the past, I always wondered why I shied away at the word, 'lesbian'. Why I felt guilty when I heard it and felt like people were gonna look in my direction, so I turned my face aside. . .

Now I know.

Cos deep down, I felt a terrible connection with it.

I knew I was one.

FEVER

You give me
You give me fever

Never know how much I love you
Never know how much I care
When you put your arms around me
I get a fever that's so hard to bear
Listen to me baby, hear every word I say
No one can love you the way I do
'Cause they don't know how to love you my way

You give me fever, when you kiss me
Fever when you hold me tight
Fever in the morning
Fever all through the night

Sun lights up the daytime
Moon lights up the night
My eyes light up when you call my name
'Cause I know you're gonna treat me right
Bless my soul I love you, take this heart away
Take these arms I'll never use
And just believe in what my lips have to say

Fever, when you kiss them
Fever, if you live and learn
Fever, 'til you sizzle
What a lovely way to burn




What a lovely way. . .

To burn





----"Fever" by Madonna

I could give it to you.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Ahh. . . .mahjong.

What can i say? This game is damn addictive! Went to manda's house on Saturday to play mahjong with Leech, SJ, QJ, mel and manda. Man it was gggggoooooooooooodd! We (leech, manda, me and mel) started at 3.30pm then took a breather with snacks and some BADMINTON with manda's small little 'ham-sum' (handsome) bros. Then QJ came at around 8pm and we continue playing and playing untill 10.30 when we then stop to have dinner. Yea, you saw right! Dinner was at 10.30! Cos we couldn't tear ourselves away from the table, everybody was playing high stakes for 5-6 consecutive games with 4-5 fan on the tiles man! And there was so much screaming and whooping and shock and joy and anger and frustration. . .and that's not mentioning the heavy tension in the air, to the build-up of the win, when everybody was waiting for 1 tile and every tile pick was a symbol of hope . . .(its always next one! The next one! Surely got something good. . .). Haha it was superbly fun, with aforementioned bros crashing the room once in a while and screaming outside while all was quiet in deep concentration in the "mahjong" room. Dinner was ggooodd too! We must kowtow and thank the born-to-be-a-hostess Manda!

Mahjong mahjong mahjong . . .Can't wait to play it again soon!

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Being at home for the past few days, and in between all those troublesome house work, I've had a lot of time to think. . about the state of my life, what I want be it in love or school, how I can change. And all that.

Let's start with love kay? That's my favourite topic as of late. I wondered what its like to kiss someone, not the horror nightmare vision I've had of a certain NJ guy coming towards me all of a sudden in the midst of my nap. But the one whereby, its my first time, and its the other person's first time as well. In a sense, we both are virgins, clueless to this new world and its amazing experience soon to be discovered. And I can just imagine, how perfect it could be, just as I thought how perfect my first love will be. But alas I know life won't be like that. It may suck in the end, but I'll always remember it. Either way, I'll still live with this fairy-tale vision until reality slams me to the ground again. There's one thing for sure, I know what type of person I would want to kiss in my first go. That's the only certainty.

Talking about love, I worry for my future. In the past, I had rosy images of a overly wealthy me, with my trophy too-hot-it-sizzles husband and model children (preferably 3) and the perfect power woman job. Now, I dunno how things will turn out. . .If I'll even get married. . . maybe I don't want to, cos that's what society wants me to do, and of late, I'm thoroughly sick of how society tries to dictate how I should live my life, who I'm only allowed to love or marry. The biggest question mark is whether I'll actually have kids. Having kids means I probably have to live with a man for the rest of my life. How. Utterly. Boring. And it also means an orthodox, proper Singaporean marridge and the disgustingly dull family lifestyles I see all around me, in East Coast Park having silly pinics and swims in the sea (your damn kids gonna drown!), family outings at hawker centers with maid and noisy spoilt-brat toddler in tow screaming down the house. I don't want to live my life like that. Its too straight forward. Everybody else is doing it. Its so cliched. Exactly like straight love. So boring. I don't wish to follow the crowd, I want to taste something different. I remember watching the movie Remember The Titans during the night in softball camp, and you know which scene I loved the most? The part where Sunshine from California revealed he was gay. At the locker room, he and football captain (I forgot his name) were sizing up each other, see who was better male ego kind-of-thing.

"What do you want?", football captian spat out viciously.

"You know what I want. .", said Sunshine with a glint in his eye. And at this point, a great suspicion was building up in me.

Then he kissed him.

Full on the lips and pushed him back. Football captain later fought back quite clumsily and he was floored by the now uber-cool Sunshine. Everybody in the room squealed or hollered in disgust, but I just sat there, in the darkness, mesmerised and speechless at the guts of the guy. Man, he has balls! And he did it in front of the whole team! He was my hero. I was so proud of him. He knew what he want and he went for it, disregarding the consequences. So full of confidence and self-assurance, I wish I could be as brave (but of cos, I know if I did the same thing I'll get slapped and condemned). And throughout the rest of the whole movie . . .all I could think about was that sublime scene, how it striked a chord with me. Guess Mr Tong, didn't expect this effect on his softballer huh? Mental training became something else. It just makes me want to watch more movies with the homo theme in it. I'm so bored and sick with rosy, girlie chick flicks of straight love between cute girl next door, and scrawny prince charming. I can't identify with it. Sigh. ..I wish I could watch But I'm a cheerleader, its a lezy comedy of this crooked, supposedly hot and therefore have to be straight cheerleader who is sent to a psychiatric camp for rehabilation with other girls like her. So funny camping stuff ensues, but with a twist. Sigh, alot of people on the net says its funny, but you can hardly find it in the US much less tight upper lipped, and conservative Singapore (it probably didn't pass the censors as it promotes an alternative lifestyle, please, like people here aren't already doing such things). . .hai. . .and on top of that, I wish I was in america, they have crooked magazines there, I could read them and get some advice. Stupid asian and conservative to the brim shitfilled Singapore is cramping my style, making life difficult for me when its already difficult enough! This sucks. . .sometimes, when you stray from the crowd, you find yourself all alone, with only yourself to take comfort in cos everybody else is somewhere far away and unreachable. . .

School. I heard that my appeal for S paper came through. But I dunno what to think, whether to whoop for joy or cry my eyes out that I sold myself to others again (doing the things others wish me to do). This means I have to search for scholarships soon, and try to find those crucial work attachments that will be my ticket to America (hopefully). I should be glad that I got it, cos that means poeple believe in me and has given me another chance to prove myself. .And I know I can do it, it just depends on how much I want it. So that's the question. . .Do I want it? Knowing what this entails? You don't take S paper. I'll have lesser and lesser time with you next year. . .lesser and lesser time for us to truely come back to the start. And I doubt I'll get into your GP class, cos our scores are too different. . .f*ck! I'm so angry at myself for doing well? Why couldn't I just screw up abit more for once? And leave more blanks in the paper? If I had done just that, maybe, just maybe, I'll have a year of chance to come back with you. Why? Sigh. . .

America. I so want to go there, study there and experience life there. . .I'm sick of Singapore and its self-imposed loser lifestyle which does not tolerate people like me. At least in America, maybe I'll feel more at home. . with its GLBT support groups sprinkled all over their schools and universities. I'll find people like me there. . instead of being alone here.

Its funny how my life has turned out. . .I never thought I'll be part of the minority. The grass is weirder on the other side.

Sigh. . .I have to start moving. . .and get my life back in one piece. Starting with the inner mugger, I have to go wake it up soon. . .welcome back the ole nerd elsa. . .

Hai. . ."Just when I find myself, I go back to the old ways again. . ."

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Rosti bombed. Spectacularly.

I've outdone myself this time.

Eggs was a horrid and absolutely wrong addition. The potato couldn't stick by then and what was in the pan was a gooey mass of melted mixed cheeses and butter (I know, sounds good for all you dairy lovers out there. . . but TRUST ME, it tastes like shit, no make that diarrphea. Eugh, I shiver just thinking of the taste. . .) It was one big utter, oil dripping, soggy, overly cheesy mass. It couldn't be shaped into patties so I ended up stir-frying the rosti! Gross. And to make things worse, I cooked too much, so for the next few days I have to eat up my own self-made crap.

And to think that my dream career in the past was to be a chef cos I like to chop stuff up (onions, garlic, ginger, GIMME ALL TO CUT MAN!). But I guess I can still heed my calling, either as a hatchetman a.k.a. murderer, or an abbatoir worker. I'll still get to play with knives :)

Anyhow, I'm steering clear of the kitchen for a looong time now.

This is not good at all. I feel crappy now.

Why? Simple. I just banged my foot against the bathroom door. A stupid fly was hovering around my foot while I was sleeping and I woke up becos of it. My sister spilled my water all over our brand new computer keyboard and we had a massive eruption becos of it. Battle ensued. . .there was screaming and tears. . .but the "projectile-fire" of books and whatever is at hand has died down from both camps. . .my mum is no longer a refugee caught in the cross-fire. We are having cold war right now as I type.

But no matter.

Due to my maid's absence, I have taken up a new hobby: Cooking. This afternoon I made some very bland fried rice for my family and it was a passable attempt. Tonight, I've decided on making my own rosti, folks at home. . .BEWARE. I theenk it should taste quite good considering that there will be eggs, butter, dill leaf seasoning, cheese and black pepper thrown in. I hope it'll be good. Wait. Before that, I hope I'll get down to doing it cos right now my nose is stuffy and I'm getting off this comp. . . .

Taxi drivers say I look like a maid. But I sure ain't one cos housework is such a bore for me. What have I done so far?
1. Mopped 2 rooms
2. Washed countless dishes
3. Clean my boots and batting glove
4. Clean a TOILET
5. Cleared out junk from my room
6. Helped prepare meals
7. Ironed clothes and fold them
8. Clean the toaster and the juicer
9. Changed bedsheets
. . . .and many more to come

I need to be more independent. And get out the house more, sigh. . . can't wait for a mahjong session soon.

Softball's frying me into toast. Today, I ripped off the clothes and you know what? I look like some vanilla fudge thingy. The legs are the fudge, the body's the vanilla. In fact, cos the tan only reaches to halfway up my thighs, I look like I'm wearing black garters.

So not kinky.

And I'm gonna look horrid sleeveless! The shoulders are like pale white and the forearms? Let's not mention it.

Yay! Just found out yesterday that Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas is out for PS2, soon it'll be out for PC and you won't see me leave this chair ever! Doom 3's nice, but its starting to become a chore. . .cos its scary, I hate having to creep around corners and dark rooms waiting for the damn monster to show up so I can blast its brains out with my shotgun. Its always, enter darkened room, inch forward abit (if scared, throw a grenade to flush out hiding baddies) see if anything jumps out at you. Monster appears! Put back the cumbersome flashlight, whip out the BFG (it actually stands for Big F*cking Gun!) and pump plasma into the bitch's gaping mouth. All monsters slump to the floor after sweaty fighting ordeal and turns into ash. Search room for ammo, health, PDAs and other pick-up-able stuff. Save game. Go to door and enter next room. Repeat process. And it goes on and on. . .Just can't wait to see the ending. Oh, and the graphics rock! It sooo real when an imp attacks you with its claws, it looks like a scene straight out of a movie. But my guns don't sound powerful enough though. That's Doom 3 for you. Haha, I know I sound like some gaming freak, so unlike a girl huh?

But I'm not your regular girl. . .


Music from the comp now: "New York" by U2, "Sparks" by Coldplay.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Yay! I'm happy, we just had PR reunion this monday at Samantha's a.k.a "Fragile" house near wheelock for dinner and class "re-bonding" (sounds like the hair thing, eugh!). I bought some crappy fried rice, fried by me (duh, that's why its crappy) and because I was one of the early birds everybody tried my crap and finished most of it! Haha, poor fellow classmates, they were duped! I feel bad. . . People brought lots of interesting food, such as some lagsana-pizza thingy by Yifang which was very good, some weird pink pasta salad (?) by Charlene, spaghetti by Wan Yi, carrot cake and cheese sausages by dunno who, mini kebab/cocktail tidbits by mel, spring roll and roast chicken wings by Samantha and family, cakes (chocolate and cheese sponge) by Joanne and someone else, and drinks by 2/3 people. . .and the list goes on blah blah blah. . .But the food was secondary, compared with our talk :) It was good meeting up with all the pr people although some could'nt make it (Kai Rui and Carol!!!! plus others. . )but I was happy nonetheless . . Everything was fine and dandy. Then we sat in a circle to play some truth or dare game that was different. For example, someone starts off by saying "I have never________(fill in the blank with something you have not done)" and everybody, who is holding a glass of wine (its an alcohol game) will drink up if she has done what the other girl did not do. Sounds pretty cool right? Should be pretty scandalous right? Well, not when you become the one in the limelight! So it started with Shirin first and the statement she had to make was. . .

*drumrooooolllllll*

" I have never had a crush on another girl."



Shit.



Great.



Now what do I say? People remain quiet for a while. . the seconds tick by like eternity, so painfully slow. . .I try not to look up, I stare at the chips in the center of the circle( we substituted the alcohol with chips cos it was too troublesome). I looked up then, and Sam shot me a knowing glance, a glance of understanding and sympathy at my current dilemma. Yeah girl, you know, I told you, cos I was feeling so down and you were a friendly scgs contact on MSN that I could trust. . .I looked back at her, the same knowing glance with a little bit of shyness thrown in. Gosh, I feel like a deer caught in the headlights of a truck. What do I do now?

Do I have a choice?

Too many people in this circle know already, most of them from NJ, and ying might think it odd if I kept mute. So. "Arrgh! What the heck lar!" I said as I reached for the bag of chips and took a nervous bite from my chip. So uncomfortable, this feeling, people I'm not really close to will suspect I'm crooked. But then again, isn't it easier if people thought that way? I don't have to explain, or shout out loud who I am, they already know, they already suspect, I'll continue like all is normal. Nothing has changed. That's true anyway, I've always been this way, just that I never show it, till I was hit hard and bad, and I can't deny it no more (cos what I feel for you is so real, so deep, so sudden I didn't even know what hit me). Maybe all this is a blessing in disguise, this failed first real love, it made me face up to what I am, I know what I want now. It'll happened now, it will happen again, to some other girl in the future, you're just the first one in line (isn't that a priviledge? You should be flattered . .)

That's it

I like girls.

So screw you if you can't accept me.
Never mind if you don't understand.
Never, and I really mean never, ever tell me to change who I am cos that is as good as telling the straight people to be crooked. Well, can you turn crooked for me? Huh? No right? I see that look on your face, that impossible look. Well what do you think then? If you can't change yourself for me what makes you think I am any different from that? The day I turn straight will be the day the rest of the world turns crooked. We leave in parallel universes my friend. We see the physical things in black and white, there is no uncertainty, no difference in opinion. Everything looks the same, but not everything feels the same. Love is like literature huh? I read things in the controversial sense, I feel the things and have the thoughts that no one else has . . .and the teacher tears up my work all the time. . .and has the audacity to tell me to change the way I view the works.

Some things cannot be changed. Some things DO NOT want to be changed. This is the only way I know how to love. Anything else will not be true, I won't be happy. Yes maybe I'll look happy on the outside, with my eugh, "husband", condo, car and two kids. The epitome of Singaporean success, but I'll be crying inside, wishing for someone else to hold instead. . .Someone like me.

You know what's my best-case scenario? My fantasy of a perfect life? Two people. A girl to love and a man to f*ck. Dosen't mean if I'm crooked I'll remain a virgin all my life right? That's sad.

***

So I ate my chip, and Shirin tries to probe deeper. . . So I tell the world the easy thing, the Sec 3 crush on S Y. Some people know her, and give me knowing glances. But I won't mention that someone else, there are people from NJ here who have no clue about what I'm in now.

But the AC people, well some of them, still found out in the end, when they ask me further cos ying made it sound so screwed up (well it is, by elsa's standards). And they know who she is. . .Joanna, dear sweet Joanna, you are the first person who I've talked to who emphatise the most with me and the one most accepting of me. You say all the right things, all the things I wish others could understand just as you so easily do. "We should be able to love who we want don't we? Why does it matter that its a girl? Its still love isn't it?" Thank you Jo, you took the words right out of my mouth. . .I need more people like you, thank god for wonderful scgs friends. ( But of cos, Jo's different, she's so mature. Cuts out all the bullshit and goes straight for the kill. She even asked me, "Do you want to have sex with her?". O-M-G, I'm not even gonna answer that one) And Chalene, Gayle too, don't be alarmed, don't look so confused, I know you guys cannot understand this and being moral Christians cannot fanthom how all this is possible. Don't try to understand my friends, just know this is elsa. . .and continue to love her no matter what. I haven't changed. Its always been this way.

I'm stepping out of my closet, little by little the door creaks open more. Slowly but surely. The shaft of light into my self-imposed darkness gets bigger and brighter, I can see more clearly now, I feel freer and happier now. All thanks to you.

This is arguably the most interesting part of my life so far, these past few months. . .There was so much hurt and pain, but so much enlightenment, so much more wisdom gained . . .and I discovered that in my blind and all-consuming friendship with you, I spent so much time on you that. . .I neglected others. Others, who in the end helped me through this period, and who are soo deserving of better treatment from me. Now, I resolve to build back all the friendships I've cast aside in my eagerness to get closer to you. I want to be a better person, I hope I can be that. There is something else too. I heard a saying once, "Don't look for love, you won't find it. Love will come to you." I wasn't searching for love when I met you, but look what you made me feel. . .Its true what they say. If I just be who I am, be the best friend I can be, some day , someone will see me in a different light, and maybe, just maybe, I'll have a special friend (just as I thought you could be for me. . .)

I nearly felt like giving up on love cos of you, and what you put me through. No more, I thought, life is simpler without. But like what Amanda says, we don't always get what we want. So I just gotta pick myself up, dust off the dirt and look forward to the road ahead. . . There'll be many more yous to come. But one thing's for sure, I've said this before and I'll say this again: I'll never ever forget you, cos you are the first.

You'll occupy a special place in my heart and I'll always have a soft spot for you, even when all this has died down.

Aren't you amazed? People never realize the influence and impact they have on other people's lives.

You'd never know how much I love you.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

. . .but that dosen't really matter actually.







Just accept me.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

YAY! I'm back from my own self constructed torture! And how do I spend my first few hours of freedom? Sleeping yeah! Then its fix up the new DELL DIMENSION 8400 (built for XTREME GAMING PERFORMANCE) computer in 2 hrs with the old man ( what performance? I can't even run Doom 3 in ultra-high quality graphics!). Installed the very irritating and frustrating home LAN-connection of 2 comps . . . .and now I'm back here!!! Sigh. . .happy now, I can't wait for 4pr class reunion tomorrow, all the people I miss, all the people dear to me and who have helped me through this tough and trying times. . I can see them now. . and it'll take my mind of you. . .

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry
You don’t know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh lets go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said that it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m going back to the start

----The scientist, Coldplay

You know who you are. Come back to me, the old you, please? I'm so sorry, I should never have said . . .

New celebrity crush: Natasha Thomas

wow. so cute. crush at first sight heheh. She's in the Lacoste Touch of pink ads and her music video is very nice.

Quite hooked now on her song, "Save your kisses for me". Even got the sound of muacks at the end! :D *starry eyed*

Gdness. Woke up this morning at the crack of dawn and . . . went online, when I should be doing the chores. My mum, naturally nagged for over an 1 hr before I managed to peel my ass off the concave-ed computer chair. And my first job? Mop. Mop. Mop and mop some more. Mop in total three rooms. Gosh soo tiring, I had to squat ( like a sb catcher), sometimes on hands and knees, and wipe the floor using a wet rag (we don't believe in mops). Lost count of the number of times I bumped into furniture, sat on the floor in disgust, squeezed the bloody rag, try to get the stubborn hairs caught in the rag fibres out, squat down again blah blah blah.

So tedious.

Then my mum started moving furniture. And I just thought the new arrangement was so ugly but she refused to hear my protests. So, don't step into elsa's house for now, it looks grossly mismatched.

And worse, I think I'm gonna go vegetarian, for the duration of my maid's absence cos my vegan mum will be doing the cooking. Worse still, I have to go for some shit family pig-out for tomorrow's breakfast with the family at some thompson place. Great, just great. My father sure try to fatten me up again, when I so need to lose weight and get fit for sb camp. Yea man, I'm quite excited for sb camp! Woohoo, I know we'll have fun. YAY!!

Its funny sometimes, how love changes your perspective of a person. All of a sudden, you start noticing things about that person you don't normally notice, the tiny details, every movement, every smile seem so much more sweeter. Your hands, your fingernails, your shoes. . all bear curious scrutiny from me. How my ears strain to hear only one voice, which when heard, booms right through my heart every single time, and how every ripple of laughter at someone else's jokes cuts me deep, making me feel alone. Whenever I'm not in the center of your world, there is no reason for me to smile, no reason for me to socialize. I just shut off from the world or throw around fake enthusiasum and fun. Hoping, hoping that if I speak loudly enough you would notice me. . .and come over. Then I remember, how much I took you for granted in the past. How at the start you were so lost, just following me around like tame sheep, confused by the tas and tbs and tcs blocks, wondering where we were headed. And I just went about my own ct rep business, slightly amused by your "tail-gating" antics, your constant hovering and attention on me, which, other people I know would wish on themselves. How you could make me laugh out loud with your comments in class, how every single of our slacker lessons together was an opportunity for me to bond with you (and bond we did). Sometimes, you would hug me for no reason and tell me how wonderful I was, and how I would try to unwrap myself from your stranglehold, being a stranger to friendly affection. Then I think of the times you heap praise on me for small little things I've done or said, and I took them all in with a pinch of salt and trepadition. And I never really returned the favour. . I always wondered why issit I always end up spending time with you, playing beginner softball, waiting for you outside toilets, for your parents to come pick you up. Never ever knowing all these were to build up to what I feel for you today. Its fascinating, how our talk can turn into one big drawn out joke, how we could sms each other from opposite ends of the library 10-12 times, a comical conversation about kiddish stuff which, I cannot imagine inventing with another person. And the "telepathy" (you said so yourself) that we had. The amazing coincidence that we would meet in the center of the library at the same instant with the same thought of asking the other to eat at the canteen. How sometimes you are thinking what I'm thinking. . and how I gave you what you want, without your asking for it. How we came up with so many nicknames for each other and pet phrases which we throw around and then laugh at. And how we look at each other with knowing and a devillish glint in our eyes cos it was our private jokes our private stories. How we complete each other's sentences. . .and know what the other is gonna say.

It sucks to wake up one morning. . .and realize that for the rest of your life, you have to do the man's job of chasing. You have to work harder for it, then your sex was meant to be doing. Haha, I can be so lazy sometimes. . .

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Why issit? I wonder. . . that I talked to all the people around me even those i don't know very well cos I need to talk to someone so badly. But the person I most need to talk to dosen't talk to me? Nor do I have the courage to approach her. Cos I'm so scared she will shun me, glance at me furtively, nervously, then look away again. Talk to me with her face aside, casting only polite sidelong glances becos she dares not face me or look me in the eye? And its so funny cos months ago we could sit face-to-face and look at each other straight into the windows of our soul and say the deep secret truths which made me love her in the first place? Now we are just like 2 strangers bought together for the first time by a common aquaintance, talking the small chit-chat that does not really matters, just to act friendly and polite. Cordial. Talking to those at our sides, laughing at separate jokes, all the while seeming normal and fine and dandy to the outside world, but the inner cold war is fought amongst ourselves in our hearts (and I'm losing. . .you are waving a white flag, but you take prisoners nonetheless. .) And I sit here wondering, in my small room with melancholic music drifting from the computer, what you are doing at this moment, and if ever, for a split second or minute, your thoughts float on by and you remember me. Whether, you longed to come back to the start, when we both were innocent and clueless. I don't want to this to be like what happened to Carol and me. How we couldn't repair the amazing bond we had because we ran out of time and to separate places.

What have we become?

Its amazing how 3 words can change everything, turn our worlds upside down. Testing relationships to breaking point, making us fools and heartless creatures (or so it seems to each other, but the truth is, we care. Its just that we find it hard to show it, don't know when and don't know how). Why? I've asked this question so many times. Do you even have a clue? Sigh. . even if you did, you won't fully understand, nor is there anything you can do. There is only one person I know now who knows what its like to fall in love, not have a crush or one of those teenage hormonal surges. How deep it goes, how it cuts right through your soul and makes you sleepless at night. And the suffocating suffocating feeling of being chained to some one else, having no control of how you feel, act and think. Love is a surreal emotion to be experienced. Its intoxicatingly powerful, it gives you an indescribable high and then throws you into the lowest of hells--the perfect drug. We take it again and again, not because we want it, but we can't help it (then again, some part of us desires love and we keep running back to it). And so we go again, just to feel the temporary high that last for a single divine moment and then are left to pick up the pieces of hurt. Nothing left except memories.

I've not even experienced the beautiful part of love, the one lovefools rave about. But I have a glimpse of its intensity, from hurt and sometimes hate I feel ( the ability to love comes with the ability to hate, both are connected to the other and only a fine line separates both). Its weird, this out-of-body experience. How do I continue describing it? Well its difficult, love cannot be explained, its meant to be felt. No words can fully encompass its many faces, emotions conjured, the power it wields and the hurt it brings. . .

One day, my dear, you will know what I'm talking about. Then you will know what you have done to me.

Great. Just great. My maid went back to Jakarta today and my tummy hurts now cos I drank contaminated water in the morning. Now that she's gone, I have to do cooking, cleaning and all the crap. No wonder they call it household chores. Before dinner, I just ironed some clothes and the damn iron was so heavy and it didn't help that my arm hurt from too much throwing. Ironing is so b-o-r-i-n-g. And my tummy hurt while I was at it. So yup. . .feeling low and lazy now.

Oh, and did I mentioned that her excess baggage today cost my mum $395? And she refused to send the extra luggage by post. And when all the other maids at the payment counter heard the amount we had to fork out, they laughed. Oh the shame.

Softball. My beloved sport, has been soured by team troubles. Why? Why? Why? Does fran have to leave? NJ softball just lost some batting power. . .and more. Out of the three of us, there's only me left, now that ying and fran are gone. Sigh. . .That means I most probably have to be the shortstop now, just when I'm starting to like my 3rd base post. Sigh. . .take up the challenge kid, I hope I'm up to it. Don't want jennifer to scream at me again. Worst still, now we have lesser players and we have to find a new vice-capt? Frankly, no one deserves that post. Whoever takes that up has a very big pair of shoes to fill. I hope the team makes the right choice, I have someone in mind already.

And then you have Estelle.

Girl, I worked so hard begging the moral and upright Keefe to let you off from GM meeting, and he even spoke to Kenny. Everytime the cca teachers quizz me about you, I get shit from them. And I have to ask them to give you a chance. Again and again. And this is how you treat my efforts? By ponning training? For something as frivolous as celebrating your birthday? When Ms Ling gave us the talk just the other day and you know jolly well that you are on the chopping board? What do you take us for? Some club thing that you just come and go when you feel like it? You owe an explanation to Mr Tong, Ms Ling, the rest of the team. . .and me, who thought I was saving someone who deserved this. I thought you better you know that? Or was it your less morally-inclined and irresponsible friend who nudged you to do this? People have no idea about the consequences of the little so-called insignificant actions that they take. I'm not fighting for you anymore. You don't deserve another chance. You blew it girl.

Sigh. . .Being captain is by far the most trying thing I've ever done. But I'm learning. One of the most important being that sometimes you have to do the things that you hate. . and towards a friend at that. "With great power comes great responsibilty". People underestimate the depth of this responsibilty. Everybodys' shit comes back to you and you got to put on a brave face and a semblance of control all the time. Even when you got troubles of your own. Leaders are not allowed to be vulnerable. The morale of the team hinges on you. Everything hinges on you. I just lost my right arm today to track and a too busy schedule. But I got to hang in there. . .

I've concluded. There is too much drama in my life. Too much. Its starting to look like a soap opera. I've probably cried more in the past 40 days than all the other times I've cried before combined. All because of you. But things are starting to look up . . .I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I realized something, maybe I'm not so alone after all. . .

"Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again"

The most incredible shit happened today. And somehow, it has the imprint of God's handiwork, to mend things in the most straight forward fashion. It was good that it happened, I feel numb now, mellow-er, zen-like and it happened in the airport, the most airy and wide of spaces. Just nothing but endless, blinding sunlight shafting through the glass walls. Peaceful. But the real peace occurred in my heart. Sigh. . .love is a monster that can destroy everything in its path, make you insane. . .I feel so foolish. Whatever stuff happened so far, at least I'm learning, I'm getting wiser, getting stronger. I'm not innocent anymore. I lost it the moment I loved you. No more a kid. Not small little elsa anymore. I've grown up. With adult troubles now, troubles which never existed before. Should I be grateful for being able to experience this? Yes. . .not matter how bad it hurts.

Something stands out from my memory about today, something you said, "We don't always get what we want in life."

What a cruel truth.

But isn't this the stuff of dreams? How we cling on to things we can never have? Wanting, hoping, yearning? For a miracle to happen. Working tirelessly towards it, when all this while we know deep down in our hearts that its not ever gonna happen, but we refuse to accept this reality pill that's so hard to swallow. But its the memory and the reminder of such dreams that is reason enough for us to exist. Accepting the fact that dreams sometimes are just illusions and unobtainable isn't an act of defeat, instead it will give you inner peace. Be thankful for what you have already. Anything that's meant to happen will happen. If you are destined to get it, you will. Worry is the most useless emotion.

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can’t keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause it’s all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can’t take it yeah I can’t shake it
Nooo

I can’t wait to see you
Want to see if you still got that look in your eyes
That one you had for me before we said our goodbyes
And it’s a shame that we got to spend our time
Being mad about the same things
Over and over again
About the same things
Over and over again
Ohh
But I think she’s leaving
Ooh man she’s leaving
I don’t know what else to do
(I Can’t go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can’t keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again yeah
And I can’t take it yeah I can’t shake it
Nooo

(Now that I’ve realized that I’m going down
From all this pain you’ve put me through
Every time I close my eyes I like it down
I can’t go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can’t keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again yeah
And I can’t take it yeah I can’t shake it
Nooo

-Over and Over by Nelly feat. Tim McGraw

I love this song.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Gosh where do I start. There's soo many insane things going on right now. Let's start from yesterday. . . I had softball, and on my way home after school, no words can describe the insane amount of rage, EXTREME distress and jealousy that was just imploding silently in me. I just sat right there on the bus, slouching lower and lower into infinity of the chair, burnnninggg inside like. . just simmering and growling. . .knowing full well that in a couple of minutes, the two of them will be spending fun-dy time together, smiling and laughing and socialising around while me the poor, no life loser goes back to a quiet, empty house--so alone. HAH! You think I dunno what the both of you are up to? I'm not dumb okay? When the Princess Diaries 2 trailer came on TV Mobile and the opening date was shown (4th October, today), all the pieces fell into place. Comprehension ensued, understanding dawned. How expected of this, dearie! Well D-U-H! I should've known! It was the kind of thing they would do anyway! Leave me out! Well in the first place, if I had just kept my bloody mouth shut, it would've been ME who would be going out with you! ME who had the priviledge to do so! MEE!!!Unfortunately, fate has a cruel way of dealing its cards. Just when the hols (aka great hanging out opportunities) come by, I screw things up. I'm not your number 1 anymore! I've been demoted!

Woke up this morning, still pent up with the negative energy from the day before. Just sulking and stalking around the house. Absolutely mute and numb on the way to school. It didn't matter that I was about to take a very impt exam. . . nothing else matters. This feels like deja vu, when I screwed up my promos cos I was thinking too much about you. With my head swirling in thoughts, guess who I first met on my way up the stairs? Welll, haha, who do we have here? The eediot. I shot daggers at everyone I've past by so far and she, of cos, wasn't spared. Waved my hand in polite obligation and mumbled some "hello", then shuffled on my way only to be stopped again, cos she had asked me to wait for her outside the toilet in her teeny tiny leetle voice. Well I'm tone deaf! So speak up! What do I do then? Had to wait outside the toilet for the last person in the world I would wait outside the toilet for (and who, not coincidentally, went out with the person who I would most definitely wait for outside the toilet). Is this confusing you? Well, its complicated. Sat at some bench and realised Sharon Phua coming, but I didn't give a hoot about her. Who cares about school rules, discipline and detention when your life is in shambles? When she came out (finally!), I quizzed her about yesterday's events and of cos, she was vague about it. HAH! You think you can hide this from me? In the pretext of not wanting to hurt my feelings? I'll figure it out one day, I'm not so stupid!

. . .

Chinese ao exam paper. Let's just say it was better than expected. I think I can get a b3, i'm quite positive. Shocking as it may seem, chinese was the most positive thing about today. I was actually cheered up by it. Judging from this, my life is a sad state of affairs if chinese is the only thing that can cheer me up now. In the last 5 minutes of the paper, I had nothing else to do and naturally, my brain drifted to the one thing it shouldn't think about. . .and becos of that I wrote 2 poems

How do I describe
Myself in one piece?
Do I put on? My mask of lies. . .
I once told a popstar
A deep sorrow within
Of how I played the perfect part
All friendly smiles and whims
"I have everything I want
But not what I want the most"
When this charade is done
The curtains begin to close
I will take off this mask
And all you'll see is dust

Next one. . .

Here in this hall
All is quiet
Confined in these silent walls
I stand alone in a crowd
Nobody said it would be easy
No one ever said it would be so hard. . .
Memories distant and hazy
Cannot bring me back peace
Oh, how I wish to break free
From this cruel world you fashioned
Come back to me scgs please!
When life was simple, friends aplenty
What have I become?
My sweetest friend. . .
Everyone I know goes away in the end.
( I was too lazy to think, so stole some stuff from coldplay here)

We went for class lunch, no, make that clique lunch, after the exam. Did I enjoy it? well lets just say that I was virtually non-existent in the group cos I was just soo moody and grouchy, I had to keep talking to a minimum in case I blow up in somebody's face ( QJ nearly got burned). So it was just a bunch of nervously happy people trying to be normal and jolly around a very pissed off elsa tay, who dropped comments like concentrated acid or sth. It was my decision to eat at far east chicken rice place. Just walked there like a zombie, with ahem, the queen leading the way. At the silly stall, I just sat there and shovelled rice into my mouth, going through the motions, not really tasting anything, hearing the little trails of forced small talk ard the table and aware of the nervous glances thrown ard becos of my silent desposition. Screw this outing, I know I'm ruining it becos of my indifference. I'll make myself scarce as soon as possible ok? So you guys can go watch your princess diaries 2 without me to spoil the party cos I'm not in the mood to watch that show. After eating, I left pretty quick, so the whole bunch of them can relax and not try to guess the reasons behind my mood (frankly, I've never been soo moody before in school to the point that I show it openly without remorse and without fear, I guess some things are just to big to hide).

Its time for some me-time right now, so I went to Kino where I can hide amongst books and the world won't need to see my sullen face ( the world dosen't understand either). Went there read abit of sarah waters' Tipping the Velvet. Then browsed through fiction and guess what? I found a whole shelf dedicated to works about people like me, if you get what I mean. So I just stood there and glance through some of the books, wishing I could buy one home. . .but of cos, that's impossible, no one at home knows, and I'll risk discovery and utter hell if I do so. When the nagging back-pain started to really get at me, I decided to do the loner thing that can be quite therapeutic. I drank some coffee at Kino coffee club by myself, at the window, for an hour or so just contemplating and writing my thoughts in my notebook . . .

" I remember what you told me:
' They have a saying. . . It is better to have loved and lost then not love at all. . .'
Thank you Beatrice Lim

' Love hurts because we allow it to. . .'
Thank you melissa

And to caspian, you are one of the finest guys I've met. You deserve better than Nuria. I hope you'll find your happiness one day, just as you hope for me. . .

I'm at a milestone in my life. . .I may hate you a hundred times but I love you a thousand times more. . .One thing's for sure, no matter what happens, I'll never forget you. .

' First cut is the deepest. . ' Eh, mel? You're so rite.

Thank you SCGS
I have never met other friends of such high calibre, of such beauty and grace, of such honesty and kinship.
God bless you all.

Peace."

I wrote this in class in my notebook again. Last few days of school. . . You were just there, shooting millions of darts and arrows into my heart just sitting there, with your back against me, head down on the table turned away from me. . .

" Be strong. Be happy. Most importantly, be YOURSELF! Dont let others dictate your happiness. It dosen't matter, this is life, this is one of those difficult learning curves. It will pass in the end, everything will pass, and when this shit has passed, I will be left standing. Tall and proud. I will survive.
Here's something to live by, ' You will always lose out by holding back, but you will never lose by loving.'

You know what? I don't care anymore. I don't f*cking care anymore. Life is shit. I know you can't help it but treat me like crap now. Its as if whatever happened before dosen't make a difference, our friendship before that is nothing but a load of crap. All the things I've done, all the things I've said does not make a f*cking difference. Nothing matters at all, nothing. Our friendship is killed. End. Finito. I dont know how things will ever go back to normal, if it ever will. Why? Why? Can' t you just be like Amanda? Why can't you treat me like she treats Qian Jin? Why do you have to be so cold?"

Transferring from my ole trusty notebook cum makeshift diary again. . .
14th October 8.30am: This was written in some shit op talk, like I give a damn man . . .

-Life sucks
It's just like muck. . .crap what a lousy poem beginning.
I thought I was gonna be happy in this class, but hahaha. Shit. I want to run away from this place, I wish ying was still with me. . .Ying Ying! I need you now in this time of shit, (aint got no blog so just write this here) Sigh, you can be so cold to me sometimes, I don't understand at all. . you promised. I need to meet more people like me, a support group yeah, that would be nice :) You know what? More importantly, I need a mentor! Yeah! Someone who would guide me on how to lead this life, this screwed up life. Just when everything seems like a bed of roses, and I'm so so close to my first chance, all of a sudden you shrink away again and seem so far away. . Why? Why? Why? Just wanna be your bbf that's all, that's all. . .that's . . .all.
Darn,it sucks to love you. Now I know what the NIN song really feels like . . ."Something I can never have". Its so true, the utter helplessness of it all. No matter what you do, you can't change anything Arggh!!! F*ck! Ying Ying! Save me man! Argh why did you have to leave nj? You were the only person I could really talk to cos you know what it feels like, sigh. . . I need to meet more people, then I won't be so dependent on someone. . .Maybe making friends with Hui Min is not such a bad idea, I might end up with a new friend, nevermind if its platonic, I'm damn hell happy already. I got to have freedom dude! FREEDOM!! Come to me! Salvation! I NEED TO BREAK FREE! Sigh, I was thinking, you know, you are the best thing that's ever happened to me in NJ. But now, I don't know what to think of you. . I guess you'll be my learning curve. . 1st person I talk real shit to. . .1st person I said, " I Love you." to. . ..1st person to praise me all the time I thought at first you were sucking up to me, but actually that's just your character (But you do that to everyone else so its not that special really cos everybody gets the same treatment!) Sigh. . .ramblings such as these. . .I feel slightly better already cos I've vented these frustrations. But it feels like I've permanently recorded down hurt. . an unremovable stamp of my heart on paper. And when I read this again, I'll be reminded of crap. Sigh. . I must I must meet Ying soon , she's almost like you, since obviously I can't talk to you now about this, I've got to talk to ying. Yeah bet she got lotsa ac stuff to tell, it'll be a good outing. Hai. . . there are very few things to distract me now. I've exhausted S Y's blog . . Damn, she's a good blogger, funny entries, keeps you reading, not too serious, very candid. Her life sounds so fantastic and her friends, it seems, totally rocks! The OP seminar bitch is soo borring. . .Grrr please reply me soon, still need to talk to you about important stuff. Ahh I see you msging way over there! Please send to me! Send to me! C'mon girl you can do it! Actually, I don't wanna break "the flow". Nope, nope, nope the msg wasn't for me. It was for somebody else. . . How metarphorical this is, how symbolic. . . everytime, there is somebody else. . .Sigh, love is shit.

"Something I can never have"

i still recall the taste of your tears
echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
scraping through my head 'till i don't want to sleep anymore

you make this all go away
you make this all go away
i'm down to just one thingand i'm starting to scare myself
you make this all go away
you make this all go away
i just want something
i just want something i can never have

---------
Wrote in my book again, this time in the shittiest most depressing, most excruciating maths lecture ever. Lost count of the number of times I almost cried to Qian Jin, how lifeless my limp body was, slumped against the stupid grey seat, head back, weeping inside. . .

-Sigh- I feel like I've just killed things. She aint that close to me anymore. . .sHE DOSEN'T EVEN BOTHER TO REALLY TALK TO ME ANYMORE. oNLY WHEN i TALK TO HER DOES she speak to me. . and even then, its only a little. . .Good God, I can't believe I'm gonna feel this way for the whole of next year. I really really hate this stupid roller coaster ride. . There's no end to its ups and downs . . .Just when I'm at the top, I feel the wind in my face for a split second. . . then its down hill all the way for what seems like an eternity. . .Man it feels so bad I want to cry!! Why? For the 1st time, I like some one not for looks but for character and it hurts worse than hell. . You know what? I don't think anything will ever happen. . . . -sigh- being pessimistic again. . I feel like crap now. They just left, her and her, to pon mths lecture and eat breakfast. . .without me. And still she said, " We 3 would be really good friends" What a lie. They do things without me, leave me so alone. . . didn't even ask me to come along. . obviously they don't want me to be around. . Gosh! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME??? My life was perfect before you! Perfect! And now I live in an empire of dirt. shit. muck You stupid stupid girl, you break my heart soo badly, soo badly when you ignore me! You're worse than that sc friend. You said things would still be the same. Well that's impossible! You act like nothings happened. Worst. Sometimes you act like I don't even exist! I thought you better. . I don't want to listen to maths lecture anymore, not when I can't concentrate, not when I feel soo much pain inside. . . .-sigh- Why do I torture myself this way? This stupid stupid heart has given me nothing but pain and hurt. . . I feel like dying. I'm tearing

*PROLOGUE*

Walking in the shadows, walking behind you
Quiet as a mute, I act like such a fool
Thinking hard to say, something of interest
But when you turn to greet me, I speak other worse
And I ask myself, "Why do I care?"

*The story unfolds*

Floating down the past, I trace back the steps
To find back the pieces that forms a whole set
And then I remember, with striking clarity
Our whole history together, innocence at first
Did the thunderbolt hit me? No it did not!
Unlike the others, I was safe . . . or so I thought

With much reluctance, I became your friend
Slowly but surely, even though I disliked you then
You were so different but I had yet to see
The beautiful surprise (or horror) awaiting me
And I ask myself, "Did I have a clue?"

Talking, laughing, gossiping, whisperrr
Conversing with you was such an allure
Your laughter, so infectious so clear
Had its unconscious effect on me, oh dear!
As they say, "Ignorance is bliss!"
But one day, came crashing down
This short short peace. . .

All of a sudden, disaster struck
Without a moments warning, I ran out of luck
3 days and 3 nights, gone were you and nary a trace
Poor me then, aimlessly lost and out of place
And I ask myself, "Why do I miss you?"

Deep down in this naive heart, the cogs start to move
It was then the nightmare begun
Already, damage had been done
But quite predictably, and stubborn as a mule
I refused to believe, this feeling of your pull

Then came the Second sign
This tiny thing call Jealousy
You spoke (a little) too much to someone else not me
Anxious of losing your attention, glaring at this new enemy
Burning and hurting, I withdrew into deep dark hell
So you choose her over me? Well, then "dao" you I shall!
And I ask myself, "Why do I act this way?"

Deja vu, my friend, welcome back again
With mounting terror, old behaviour reappeared
Unmistakable and plain
I begin to act, as I had done towards the others
Caring about the little things, in the past I hadn't bothered
What did you say? What did you mean? Analysis starts over
Scraping through nondescript and trivia
I search for signs of hope--Hope for a new lover

As days crawl by, understanding slowly dawns
I know what I want, it is easy to see
Hard to deny, I turn morose and forlorn
Not again lord! Not this one, I plead!
Too precious to me, this gem of a friend I need
But everywhere I go, you are all that I see
And I ask myself, "Why must this happen to me?"

*Now. . . *

Fidgeting uncomfortably, so aware of your presence
We're just next to each other, separated by stony silence
So near yet so far. . .
Thinking hard again, just wanting to open my mouth
Out of the blue I hear, the voice I had sought
Smiling, you praised me and awaited my response
But the only thought I had, was this insane urge to hold you. . .

Good friends we are, I always give you presents :)
You never gave me any, I failed to learn this lesson
Nevertheless, I'll press on with my mission
But first, 101 worst case scenarios I envisioned
Time's running out, the perfect moment's here
We are alone, I feel your warmth so near
And I ask myself, "Do I dare? Do I dare?"

Do I dare? Seize the moment?
And in a moment wipe out all that I live for?
Revisions and decisions in a minute I can make
Reverse them impossible. Do it or forsake

*EPILOGUE*

Therein lies the enigma, the mystery that envelopes
How did it happen?
An occurence so anomalous
For the first time in my life, love beckoned from within
Not the face or the body, but the beauty inside thee
Was what that ensnared me. . .

*End*

I wrote this a long time ago, I still remember it as clear as day. . .the week before promos, 9 sth at night. A few stanzas popped up in my head, bits and pieces, here and there. And suddenly, I felt that if I didn't put down these thoughts on paper, I would've lost a divine moment, a beautiful moment then. I wasn't sure what I was feeling then, but the words came out easy and naturally, though it took all of 1 and a half hours to write it. I knew who I was writing about, who the person was and yet I wasn't sure of my emotions. . . . Well how could I know? Since I've never felt this way before? But now I understand, what else could it be? Not a crush anymore, not a superficial, shallow admiration of perfection or a tiny desire. I've fallen in love for the first time. . . .